Counseling Together

“Council –

(Noun)

A group of people who are chosen to make rules, laws, or decisions about something; a group of people who provide advice or guidance on something”

“Counsel –

(verb)

To give advice to (someone); to listen to and give support or advice to (someone) especially as a job; to suggest or recommend (something)”

Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an address entitled “Counseling with Our Councils”.  Throughout the course of the address, Elder Ballard mentions the importance of working together to make decisions. He makes special reference to the different organizations throughout the Church and how they work together to make decisions for their various organizations and areas of stewardship. However, this idea can also greatly apply to marriages as well.

At the beginning of this post, I included the Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s definitions of both council and counsel. According to these definitions if we are to counsel with our councils, then we give advice, support, recommendations, and a listening ear to and with a group of people that make decisions, rules, and guidance. In other words, we work as a team before any big decisions involving more than the individual are made. This needs to happen all the time in marriage! Where one person chooses to work affects the other. When one person wants to have children plays a role in their spouse’s life. The goals, dreams, rules, and limitations that one member of the couple has may need to be supported by the other. When we take time to talk to each other and come to a conclusion together, we are more unified within our marriage.

My husband and I are both currently students at Brigham Young University-Idaho. When we were first married, my husband wasn’t sure which of two possible majors he should pursue. Since it was his personal education, he could have easily chosen to make the decision by himself. However, he saw the potential this decision had to impact my life and that of our future family. His choice of major would determine possible careers which would play a role in his work hours, pay, job availability, etc. He chose to counsel with me (several times) before making a final decision. We were able to discuss the pros and cons of both. I grew to feel that my husband appreciated me and my input. He was able to see that I support him and have faith in his abilities. While the decision itself might not have changed our marital satisfaction, the process of making the decision together definitely brought us closer.

Loyal to a T

I've always loved this quote. The best possible way to show someone that we love them is to be loyal - no matter what. However, I feel that many people don't fully understand what it means to be loyal - especially when it comes to your spouse. There are so many different opportunities to be unfaithful and not even realize it. Satan makes it easier and easier to justify. If we are to be and remain faithful, we must understand the temptations and dangers that are all around us.

So, how do we know if something we are doing and/or faced with can lead to a lack of loyalty to our spouse? President Ezra Taft Benson gave this suggestion: "A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this?" [2] We can ask ourselves this question on a daily basis in many different circumstances. Maybe it's about how we talk to a co-worker of the opposite sex. Maybe it's what we are viewing/sharing on the internet. Maybe it's just a thought or fantasy about someone other than our significant other. Whatever it may be, as we apply this question to the situation, we will be more accurately guided to know whether we are being faithful or not. 

Dr. Brent Barlow is quoted as saying, "Implied are at least three elements that characterize successful stewardship: (1) agency, (2) diligence, and (3) accountability. We may accept or reject the opportunity to become a steward, but once we accept the responsibility, we are expected to exert great effort, as indicated in the parable of the talents. We are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given. Ultimately there will be an accounting of one kind of another of our various stewardships." [3] If we view our relationship with our spouse as a stewardship, we will feel more inclined to do all we can to actively remain faithful and loyal to them.

Resources ~

[1] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/the-first-great-commandment?lang=eng

[2] “The Law of Chastity,” BYU1987-88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches [1988], p. 52.

[3]What Husbands Expect of Wives, 1989, p. 60

Charity

I’ve mentioned several times before the book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. Throughout his book he discusses different principles that bring a spiritual strength to marriages. Some of these are obedience, sacrifice, repentance, humility, and faith. The last principle he shares ties all of these together for me: charity.

Those with a spiritual background will know that charity is considered the pure love of Christ. However, you don’t have to necessarily believe in Christ to have charity. The idea of Christ’s love is that it is unconditional. It’s not dependent of certain actions or reactions. It can’t be bought, earned, or lost. Dr. Goddard quotes Marvin J. Ashton when he defines charity. “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” All these aspects of charity are vital to having a happy and successful marriage. There will definitely be times when we must choose to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. We will need to look over and accept our spouse’s weaknesses. When we allow our love for our spouse to outweigh the bumps and bruises in our relationships, we bring an added strength to our marriage that can’t be found anywhere else.

I’ve been able to feel of this love more completely this past week. My husband and I have welcomed into our family and home our first child. 

It’s incredible how completely he trusts us and how dependent on us he is for everything. He has many shortcomings – he spits up, loves to be awake at night, etc – but I don’t think I could love him more if I tried. The love I have for my son is not diminished by each messy diaper. I love him and will always love him no matter what. That is the kind of love that we should have for everyone – especially our best friend that we have promised to love, come what may.  

Resources ~

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fiarfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Anger

Ever since I was little, I've been taught the importance of making good choices and how I will be affected by the decisions I make. I've learned that everyone has the ability to make their own choices and that this is a very important part of life. While this idea of agency (freedom of choice) is emphasized a lot, it is not often applied to one of the more common barriers to happiness - anger. 

Lynn G. Robbins gave a great address entitled "Agency and Anger" in 1998. Within it he claims that each of us have the ability to choose whether to be angry or not. Oftentimes we hear (and may say ourselves), "They made me mad" or "I lost my temper". These phrases show that we are not taking responsibility for our own choice to allow anger to damage our thoughts, words, or actions. When we understand that we have the ability to choose whether to be angry or not, we will be more in control of our own emotions.

Ok, so what does this have to do with marriage and the family? Lynn G. Robbins said, "Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but it almost always counterproductive." Does this sound like a happy and healthy family relationship to you? I certainly don't want to be part of a marriage that seeks to make the other feel guilty or to manipulate one another. This is no way to let the other person know of our love and admiration for them. We aren't being productive when we allow anger to influence us.

As we apply the principle of agency to all aspects of our lives - including anger - we will be more in control of our marriages and relationships. We will be able to lead ourselves and those we love towards happiness instead of being tossed to and fro with the storms of life.

Resources~

Elder L.G. Robbins, "Agency and anger," Ensign, May 1998, 80.