What's my Role Again?

Aren’t they just the cutest couple you’ve ever seen? Those are my incredible parents. They have been a great example to me of what a marriage should be. My mom is a loving and patient wife and mother. My dad is a faithful and devoted husband and father. They both work together to make the best possible home they can for each of their children. Sure, they aren’t perfect, but I’ve always looked up to their ability to find balance and equality in their relationship. This idea of equality is one that I’ve struggled with for a while now, so I’d like to address that here. 

In order to find this balance in equality, it's important that we understand what equality really is. "Successful Marriages and Families" (hereafter referred to as 'the text')[1] says, "Equality is all too often used to mean 'identity'; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality... In contrast, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught: 'The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony.'" (p 38) Knowing that equal is not identical makes it easy to appreciate the great roles men and women have as fathers and mothers respectively. 

So what is the role of mothers? If I were to sum it up in one word, it would be: love. The text says, "Because motherhood is part of a woman's divine identity, her role as mother is defined by a relationship more than a set of tasks... A mother's attentive love in this new relationship becomes the foundation by which all of the other tasks of mothering become effective." (p 132) I feel that women have a great ability to love. This love is vital to make any other thing she does as a mother worthwhile. 

Now moving on to fathers. "To father a child is to accept a divine calling, a moral stewardship, and a lasting commitment across generations." (p 140) The text defines the "five fundamental principles of fathering [as being]: to preside, partner, be present, provide, and protect." (p 145) Men must work with their wives, their children, and with the Lord to know how they can become more effective as a father.  The text also summarizes the chapter on fatherhood by saying, "Fathers have the ability, for good or ill, to exercise great power and influence in the lives of their children and families. Power alone, however, is not what a father truly needs, nor does he need only the ability to influence and direct a child's life, thoughts, and feelings. A father needs the power to bless." (p 147) Fathers can be such a great blessing in the lives of their children.

As you may have noticed, none of the responsibilities a father has are his alone - nor the mother's hers. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" [2] definitely speaks truth when it says, "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." As we seek to be equal - not identical - to our spouse in our tasks and responsibilities, we will be able to help each other fulfill our roles more fully and effectively. We will learn from each other and grow closer together.

Resources ~

1. Hawkins et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life. 

2. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng 

Wholesome Recreation

We've all heard that spending time with your family is important. We may be familiar with the quote stated above about how time is how we can express love to each other. Have you ever wondered why this is the case? Or maybe, what exactly we should be doing during this time? "Successful Marriages and Families" [1] shares the answers to those exact questions. 

Why is spending time together so important? One great reason is good health. "Research on the effect of extrinsically and intrinsically motivated aspirations found that people who focus on pleasure wealth, and material goods are likely to experience poorer mental health - reflected in higher levels of anxiety and depression and poor social functioning. In contrast, people who 'focus on developing satisfying personal relationships, growing as individuals, and contributing to their community' are among the healthiest in society." (Hawkins, et al. p 227) Another reason - this one specifically dealing with parenting - is to help children learn. Young children will often mimic behavior that they see their parents do. The more time they spend with their parents doing activities that bring them closer together, the more prepared they will be to take on the world and become a contributing member of society.

What exactly is wholesome recreation? Hawkins and his associates mention that there are "three types of leisure: (a) parallel, (b) joint, and (c) independent." (p 230) As the names suggest, parallel activities are when people are independently doing the same task without interaction, joint activities require lots of communication, and independent activities are completely individual. The authors mention that marital satisfaction can be found most frequently through joint activities. Young children also learn security and independence when they play with their parents. When it comes to adolescents, the authors suggest that "parents should consider the value of providing varied recreation experiences for their children" because "varied and meaningful recreation promotes positive identity development." (p 231) 

My parents were really good at bringing variety to our family recreation. I remember going on family bike rides, watching movies, pulling weeds, playing board games, watching clouds, painting, doing service, cooking/baking, and many other things. Here are pictures of some of our adventures together:

My brother and I in our Scout uniforms

At the natural water slides with some friends

My sister losing (to me) in stick-pull

On the steps at Bishop's Castle

At the zoo

Canoes

Building a snowman

Sleeping on the tramp-o-line

It was during many of these activities that I was able to gain stronger relationships with my parents and my siblings. I still feel very close to each of them and their friendship is among my most prized possessions. 

Resources ~

1. Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

In-Laws

I have been greatly blessed in my marriage to inherit incredible in-laws. My husband’s parents, siblings, and their spouses are all very loving and accepting without being overly pushy and intrusive. Above is a picture of us (minus the other spouses) the day we were married. However, I know that this is not usually the case for many. In fact, there is often a bad wrap that comes with even just the word “mother-in-law”.  

Why is this? How can we overcome it?

Often times, the transition from childhood to adulthood can be difficult for the parent. They are used to providing for every need of their child for many, many years. They have usually been their main source for advice or help with stressful situations. Now their child is suddenly entering a new chapter of their own lives. The parent’s natural reaction and great desire is to help their child as he/she makes this transition. However, the child now has a partner – someone that is meant to take greater priority in their lives than their parents. The child turns – or at least should turn – to their spouse for advice. They make decision together without consulting either set of parents. It can be hard for a parent to watch their child carry on with their life without them. They want their child to be happy and feel that the 18+ years they’ve raised him/her makes them better able to make that happen than some person that just recently came into his/her life. If these thoughts take over the minds of parents with recently married children, then it is very likely that they can turn into the dreaded “monster-in-law”.

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen [1] give some suggestions on what a married couple can do to increase their independence while still retaining a strong and healthy relationship with their in-laws:

“If a married couple finds a parent or other extended family member to be disruptive or harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together… If they decide they want to improve the relationship, they will need to decide together how to approach the other family member and what types of change they want to request. Then they should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds… Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them.”

They also refer to Gloria Horsley and five things she feels every parent-in-law should avoid. “They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication.”

I feel that each of the things mentioned above sounds simple enough but can sometimes be hard to implement. However, if we continue to make our spouse and our marriage a priority then we must be willing to do all we can to ensure that our in-law relationships are as healthy and helpful as possible. 

Resources ~

 

1. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.