In-Laws

I have been greatly blessed in my marriage to inherit incredible in-laws. My husband’s parents, siblings, and their spouses are all very loving and accepting without being overly pushy and intrusive. Above is a picture of us (minus the other spouses) the day we were married. However, I know that this is not usually the case for many. In fact, there is often a bad wrap that comes with even just the word “mother-in-law”.  

Why is this? How can we overcome it?

Often times, the transition from childhood to adulthood can be difficult for the parent. They are used to providing for every need of their child for many, many years. They have usually been their main source for advice or help with stressful situations. Now their child is suddenly entering a new chapter of their own lives. The parent’s natural reaction and great desire is to help their child as he/she makes this transition. However, the child now has a partner – someone that is meant to take greater priority in their lives than their parents. The child turns – or at least should turn – to their spouse for advice. They make decision together without consulting either set of parents. It can be hard for a parent to watch their child carry on with their life without them. They want their child to be happy and feel that the 18+ years they’ve raised him/her makes them better able to make that happen than some person that just recently came into his/her life. If these thoughts take over the minds of parents with recently married children, then it is very likely that they can turn into the dreaded “monster-in-law”.

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen [1] give some suggestions on what a married couple can do to increase their independence while still retaining a strong and healthy relationship with their in-laws:

“If a married couple finds a parent or other extended family member to be disruptive or harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together… If they decide they want to improve the relationship, they will need to decide together how to approach the other family member and what types of change they want to request. Then they should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds… Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them.”

They also refer to Gloria Horsley and five things she feels every parent-in-law should avoid. “They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication.”

I feel that each of the things mentioned above sounds simple enough but can sometimes be hard to implement. However, if we continue to make our spouse and our marriage a priority then we must be willing to do all we can to ensure that our in-law relationships are as healthy and helpful as possible. 

Resources ~

 

1. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.