What's my Role Again?

Aren’t they just the cutest couple you’ve ever seen? Those are my incredible parents. They have been a great example to me of what a marriage should be. My mom is a loving and patient wife and mother. My dad is a faithful and devoted husband and father. They both work together to make the best possible home they can for each of their children. Sure, they aren’t perfect, but I’ve always looked up to their ability to find balance and equality in their relationship. This idea of equality is one that I’ve struggled with for a while now, so I’d like to address that here. 

In order to find this balance in equality, it's important that we understand what equality really is. "Successful Marriages and Families" (hereafter referred to as 'the text')[1] says, "Equality is all too often used to mean 'identity'; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality... In contrast, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught: 'The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony.'" (p 38) Knowing that equal is not identical makes it easy to appreciate the great roles men and women have as fathers and mothers respectively. 

So what is the role of mothers? If I were to sum it up in one word, it would be: love. The text says, "Because motherhood is part of a woman's divine identity, her role as mother is defined by a relationship more than a set of tasks... A mother's attentive love in this new relationship becomes the foundation by which all of the other tasks of mothering become effective." (p 132) I feel that women have a great ability to love. This love is vital to make any other thing she does as a mother worthwhile. 

Now moving on to fathers. "To father a child is to accept a divine calling, a moral stewardship, and a lasting commitment across generations." (p 140) The text defines the "five fundamental principles of fathering [as being]: to preside, partner, be present, provide, and protect." (p 145) Men must work with their wives, their children, and with the Lord to know how they can become more effective as a father.  The text also summarizes the chapter on fatherhood by saying, "Fathers have the ability, for good or ill, to exercise great power and influence in the lives of their children and families. Power alone, however, is not what a father truly needs, nor does he need only the ability to influence and direct a child's life, thoughts, and feelings. A father needs the power to bless." (p 147) Fathers can be such a great blessing in the lives of their children.

As you may have noticed, none of the responsibilities a father has are his alone - nor the mother's hers. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" [2] definitely speaks truth when it says, "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." As we seek to be equal - not identical - to our spouse in our tasks and responsibilities, we will be able to help each other fulfill our roles more fully and effectively. We will learn from each other and grow closer together.

Resources ~

1. Hawkins et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life. 

2. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng 

Wholesome Recreation

We've all heard that spending time with your family is important. We may be familiar with the quote stated above about how time is how we can express love to each other. Have you ever wondered why this is the case? Or maybe, what exactly we should be doing during this time? "Successful Marriages and Families" [1] shares the answers to those exact questions. 

Why is spending time together so important? One great reason is good health. "Research on the effect of extrinsically and intrinsically motivated aspirations found that people who focus on pleasure wealth, and material goods are likely to experience poorer mental health - reflected in higher levels of anxiety and depression and poor social functioning. In contrast, people who 'focus on developing satisfying personal relationships, growing as individuals, and contributing to their community' are among the healthiest in society." (Hawkins, et al. p 227) Another reason - this one specifically dealing with parenting - is to help children learn. Young children will often mimic behavior that they see their parents do. The more time they spend with their parents doing activities that bring them closer together, the more prepared they will be to take on the world and become a contributing member of society.

What exactly is wholesome recreation? Hawkins and his associates mention that there are "three types of leisure: (a) parallel, (b) joint, and (c) independent." (p 230) As the names suggest, parallel activities are when people are independently doing the same task without interaction, joint activities require lots of communication, and independent activities are completely individual. The authors mention that marital satisfaction can be found most frequently through joint activities. Young children also learn security and independence when they play with their parents. When it comes to adolescents, the authors suggest that "parents should consider the value of providing varied recreation experiences for their children" because "varied and meaningful recreation promotes positive identity development." (p 231) 

My parents were really good at bringing variety to our family recreation. I remember going on family bike rides, watching movies, pulling weeds, playing board games, watching clouds, painting, doing service, cooking/baking, and many other things. Here are pictures of some of our adventures together:

My brother and I in our Scout uniforms

At the natural water slides with some friends

My sister losing (to me) in stick-pull

On the steps at Bishop's Castle

At the zoo

Canoes

Building a snowman

Sleeping on the tramp-o-line

It was during many of these activities that I was able to gain stronger relationships with my parents and my siblings. I still feel very close to each of them and their friendship is among my most prized possessions. 

Resources ~

1. Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

In-Laws

I have been greatly blessed in my marriage to inherit incredible in-laws. My husband’s parents, siblings, and their spouses are all very loving and accepting without being overly pushy and intrusive. Above is a picture of us (minus the other spouses) the day we were married. However, I know that this is not usually the case for many. In fact, there is often a bad wrap that comes with even just the word “mother-in-law”.  

Why is this? How can we overcome it?

Often times, the transition from childhood to adulthood can be difficult for the parent. They are used to providing for every need of their child for many, many years. They have usually been their main source for advice or help with stressful situations. Now their child is suddenly entering a new chapter of their own lives. The parent’s natural reaction and great desire is to help their child as he/she makes this transition. However, the child now has a partner – someone that is meant to take greater priority in their lives than their parents. The child turns – or at least should turn – to their spouse for advice. They make decision together without consulting either set of parents. It can be hard for a parent to watch their child carry on with their life without them. They want their child to be happy and feel that the 18+ years they’ve raised him/her makes them better able to make that happen than some person that just recently came into his/her life. If these thoughts take over the minds of parents with recently married children, then it is very likely that they can turn into the dreaded “monster-in-law”.

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen [1] give some suggestions on what a married couple can do to increase their independence while still retaining a strong and healthy relationship with their in-laws:

“If a married couple finds a parent or other extended family member to be disruptive or harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together… If they decide they want to improve the relationship, they will need to decide together how to approach the other family member and what types of change they want to request. Then they should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds… Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them.”

They also refer to Gloria Horsley and five things she feels every parent-in-law should avoid. “They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication.”

I feel that each of the things mentioned above sounds simple enough but can sometimes be hard to implement. However, if we continue to make our spouse and our marriage a priority then we must be willing to do all we can to ensure that our in-law relationships are as healthy and helpful as possible. 

Resources ~

 

1. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Counseling Together

“Council –

(Noun)

A group of people who are chosen to make rules, laws, or decisions about something; a group of people who provide advice or guidance on something”

“Counsel –

(verb)

To give advice to (someone); to listen to and give support or advice to (someone) especially as a job; to suggest or recommend (something)”

Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an address entitled “Counseling with Our Councils”.  Throughout the course of the address, Elder Ballard mentions the importance of working together to make decisions. He makes special reference to the different organizations throughout the Church and how they work together to make decisions for their various organizations and areas of stewardship. However, this idea can also greatly apply to marriages as well.

At the beginning of this post, I included the Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s definitions of both council and counsel. According to these definitions if we are to counsel with our councils, then we give advice, support, recommendations, and a listening ear to and with a group of people that make decisions, rules, and guidance. In other words, we work as a team before any big decisions involving more than the individual are made. This needs to happen all the time in marriage! Where one person chooses to work affects the other. When one person wants to have children plays a role in their spouse’s life. The goals, dreams, rules, and limitations that one member of the couple has may need to be supported by the other. When we take time to talk to each other and come to a conclusion together, we are more unified within our marriage.

My husband and I are both currently students at Brigham Young University-Idaho. When we were first married, my husband wasn’t sure which of two possible majors he should pursue. Since it was his personal education, he could have easily chosen to make the decision by himself. However, he saw the potential this decision had to impact my life and that of our future family. His choice of major would determine possible careers which would play a role in his work hours, pay, job availability, etc. He chose to counsel with me (several times) before making a final decision. We were able to discuss the pros and cons of both. I grew to feel that my husband appreciated me and my input. He was able to see that I support him and have faith in his abilities. While the decision itself might not have changed our marital satisfaction, the process of making the decision together definitely brought us closer.

Loyal to a T

I've always loved this quote. The best possible way to show someone that we love them is to be loyal - no matter what. However, I feel that many people don't fully understand what it means to be loyal - especially when it comes to your spouse. There are so many different opportunities to be unfaithful and not even realize it. Satan makes it easier and easier to justify. If we are to be and remain faithful, we must understand the temptations and dangers that are all around us.

So, how do we know if something we are doing and/or faced with can lead to a lack of loyalty to our spouse? President Ezra Taft Benson gave this suggestion: "A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this?" [2] We can ask ourselves this question on a daily basis in many different circumstances. Maybe it's about how we talk to a co-worker of the opposite sex. Maybe it's what we are viewing/sharing on the internet. Maybe it's just a thought or fantasy about someone other than our significant other. Whatever it may be, as we apply this question to the situation, we will be more accurately guided to know whether we are being faithful or not. 

Dr. Brent Barlow is quoted as saying, "Implied are at least three elements that characterize successful stewardship: (1) agency, (2) diligence, and (3) accountability. We may accept or reject the opportunity to become a steward, but once we accept the responsibility, we are expected to exert great effort, as indicated in the parable of the talents. We are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given. Ultimately there will be an accounting of one kind of another of our various stewardships." [3] If we view our relationship with our spouse as a stewardship, we will feel more inclined to do all we can to actively remain faithful and loyal to them.

Resources ~

[1] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/the-first-great-commandment?lang=eng

[2] “The Law of Chastity,” BYU1987-88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches [1988], p. 52.

[3]What Husbands Expect of Wives, 1989, p. 60

Charity

I’ve mentioned several times before the book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. Throughout his book he discusses different principles that bring a spiritual strength to marriages. Some of these are obedience, sacrifice, repentance, humility, and faith. The last principle he shares ties all of these together for me: charity.

Those with a spiritual background will know that charity is considered the pure love of Christ. However, you don’t have to necessarily believe in Christ to have charity. The idea of Christ’s love is that it is unconditional. It’s not dependent of certain actions or reactions. It can’t be bought, earned, or lost. Dr. Goddard quotes Marvin J. Ashton when he defines charity. “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” All these aspects of charity are vital to having a happy and successful marriage. There will definitely be times when we must choose to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. We will need to look over and accept our spouse’s weaknesses. When we allow our love for our spouse to outweigh the bumps and bruises in our relationships, we bring an added strength to our marriage that can’t be found anywhere else.

I’ve been able to feel of this love more completely this past week. My husband and I have welcomed into our family and home our first child. 

It’s incredible how completely he trusts us and how dependent on us he is for everything. He has many shortcomings – he spits up, loves to be awake at night, etc – but I don’t think I could love him more if I tried. The love I have for my son is not diminished by each messy diaper. I love him and will always love him no matter what. That is the kind of love that we should have for everyone – especially our best friend that we have promised to love, come what may.  

Resources ~

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fiarfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Anger

Ever since I was little, I've been taught the importance of making good choices and how I will be affected by the decisions I make. I've learned that everyone has the ability to make their own choices and that this is a very important part of life. While this idea of agency (freedom of choice) is emphasized a lot, it is not often applied to one of the more common barriers to happiness - anger. 

Lynn G. Robbins gave a great address entitled "Agency and Anger" in 1998. Within it he claims that each of us have the ability to choose whether to be angry or not. Oftentimes we hear (and may say ourselves), "They made me mad" or "I lost my temper". These phrases show that we are not taking responsibility for our own choice to allow anger to damage our thoughts, words, or actions. When we understand that we have the ability to choose whether to be angry or not, we will be more in control of our own emotions.

Ok, so what does this have to do with marriage and the family? Lynn G. Robbins said, "Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but it almost always counterproductive." Does this sound like a happy and healthy family relationship to you? I certainly don't want to be part of a marriage that seeks to make the other feel guilty or to manipulate one another. This is no way to let the other person know of our love and admiration for them. We aren't being productive when we allow anger to influence us.

As we apply the principle of agency to all aspects of our lives - including anger - we will be more in control of our marriages and relationships. We will be able to lead ourselves and those we love towards happiness instead of being tossed to and fro with the storms of life.

Resources~

Elder L.G. Robbins, "Agency and anger," Ensign, May 1998, 80.