Contract vs Covenant

I've spoken in previous blog posts about the nature of marriage. I've mentioned that "marriage is more than just a contractual agreement", and that I believe that "marriage is a covenant - or reciprocal promise". I would like to address in a bit more detail the difference between a contract and a covenant. 

In the book "Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives", we are given an explanation of the importance of covenants. "We are blessed on this earth through righteous participation and commitment to covenants between a loving God and His mortal children. These covenants, by their nature, are intended to bring the sweetest blessings God has to offer to those who exercise faith in the gospel plan and prove themselves worthy through obedience." (p 174)

To further define what a covenant is, "Successful Marriages and Families" quotes President James E. Faust when he said, "In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant." (p 80)

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a former Seventy (office in the organization of the Latter-day Saint church), gave an address in 1996 entitled "Covenant Marriage". Within this talk, he implies that even a couple that has made covenants with God when they were married could only be living a "contract marriage".

From what I understand them both to be, a covenant marriage is one in which the husband and wife have an eternal perspective and a forever goal in mind. They focus on what they Lord would have them do instead of on what their spouse should be doing for them. People who live a covenant marriage understand that marriage is important in God's plan for His children. They realize that they must work towards Christ to become closer together. This is explained in more detail by Elder David A. Bednar when he compares marriage to a triangle ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 28). He says, “Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily ‘come unto Christ’ and strive to be ‘perfected in Him’. Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.” This is part of what Elder Bednar refers to as “the covenant relationship of eternal marriage.”

Now, you may not be religious or maybe just don’t view Christ as someone that you need to draw close to in order to gain happiness and marital bliss. Jesus is more than just some person. Jesus represents things such as selfless love, sacrifice, service, gratitude, overcoming weaknesses, looking outside of oneself, and self-control. As any couple works towards any of these attributes, they will be able to draw closer together. In a way, they can have a “covenant marriage”. As they work towards a common goal that will have lasting consequences for good in the lives of all those involved, they begin to change their marriage from more than just a contract or agreement, and it becomes something of eternal value and importance.

I know I haven’t been married very long (just over a year), but within that short time, I’ve seen the affect that priorities can have on a relationship. There have been times when I have “settled” for a “contract marriage”. I’ve had the perspective that for every effort I make there needs to be an equal effort made by my husband. If I sacrifice something for him, he needs to sacrifice something for me. I would constantly “keep score” – so to speak – to make sure I wasn’t putting forth more effort than what I needed. When I had that perspective, I wasn’t always happy. I was constantly thinking of myself and what I deserved. Once I lost that sense of entitlement and chose to look for ways that I could make my husband happy just because I loved him, I noticed even more how happy he makes me.

Resources~

Bruce C. Hafen’s “Covenant Marriage”

https://app.box.com/embed/preview/09y4qxqfppbe8oz5uuje39utsdv566rt?theme=dark

David A. Bednar’s “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”

https://app.box.com/embed/preview/onfgn50ke692o6eq0bqf4ozgptl7zsjm?theme=dark
Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

What is Marriage?

This past week I’ve learned so much about the definition of marriage. Obviously, within our world today, the “idea” of marriage is being re-defined by governments, political groups, and individuals. However, no amount of earthly rearranging of the dictionary will change eternal truths. In the article “The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman” Lynn D. Wardle tells of a story attributed to Abraham Lincoln. “He is said to have once asked how many legs a dog would have if you counted a tail as a leg. To the response ‘five legs,’ Lincoln said, ‘No; calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.’” So then that poses the question – what is marriage?

To me, marriage is much more than just a contractual agreement or an emotional support. Marriage is not merely a piece of paper or extra benefits on your taxes. Marriage is much more than just a way of life or a status of living. Marriage is a covenant – or reciprocal promise – made between two people and their Creator. It is a commitment to forget oneself, to show true Christ-like love – or charity – to another every day. It is a heightened awareness of our responsibility to watch out for and help one another. It is the best possible way we can be prepared to become one with all of God’s children. It is the beginning of a family; the partnership that the Lord has established for His eternal purpose and plan to allow His children to experience earth life and to learn of His Gospel. "The fundamental purposes of this life remain the same as they have always been - to receive a body, to believe in Christ, to progress spiritually, and to form an eternal marriage and family." (Hawkins, et al p 13) "Successful Marriages and Families" goes on to say, "Birth into a family was the way God chose to send His spirit children to earth. Marriage and family relationships are the central means He has prepared to achieve His purposes." (p 340) This can only be done through the union of a man and a woman as husband and wife. No other combination – as great as the two may be – can provide life for God’s children.  

I understand that not everyone has the same religious view of marriage as I do. If testimony and faith just don’t cut it for you, there is plenty of earthy evidence to show that the most ideal setting for the development of children is within a traditional family with a father and mother married as husband and wife. David Popenoe is quoted in “The Divine Institution of Marriage” as saying, “The burden of social science evidence supports the idea that gender differentiated parenting is important for human development and that the contribution of fathers to child rearing is unique and irreplaceable… The complementarity of male and female parenting styles is striking and of enormous importance to a child’s overall development.” There is no denying it – men and women are different. These differences complement each other as they are used to aid in the development of children.

There is a great need in our world today to align our definition of marriage to what the Lord has always defined marriage as. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” states, “Marriage between man and woman is ordained of God.” No amount of social propaganda or political campaigning can change that.

Resources

“The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman”

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1211382

“The Divine Institution of Marriage”

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage#_edn7

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng#

Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Learn, Do, Teach, and Become

This week I have had the great privilege of reading many different articles and excerpts regarding marriage and divorce – both materials required for my Marriage class and materials from other sources. It has become more obvious to me that there is a great need in our society and in the world today to re-establish the sacredness and importance of marriage and marital relationships. However, as I’ve discovered through my readings, this can be difficult to do when there are so many trends and viewpoints that draw people away from entering the marriage covenant. As I contemplated this, I got to thinking about how I will try to prevent these trends from influencing my own children, and I’d like to share some of those thoughts, plans, and goals with you.

This is my cute family. Aren't they great?! In my own life, my parents provided what I would consider a very ideal example of a happy marriage. Growing up, I knew they didn’t always agree on everything, but I never heard them raise their voices to each other. They greatly respected one another and expected us to do the same. I remember getting into trouble for little acts here and there, but the most trouble I ever got in was the one time I said something disrespectful to my mother while my dad was around. I quickly learned that respect was what everyone deserved - especially my loving parents. While my personal actions won’t necessarily change society, I believe that they can have a strong impact on my children’s lives. I plan to do all within my power to – as my parents did for me – show my children a happy, healthy marriage. I want my children to know that marriage isn’t always easy and it doesn’t mean that there will never be any conflict. But I also want them to know and be able to see that marriage does bring great happiness and is worth all the work and conflict. By constantly working to strengthen my own marriage, I hope to decrease the likelihood of my child having unstable parenting, unnecessary stress, or feeling like they have to pick sides. Paul Amato mentions these and others as possible hardships in single-parent homes in an article entitled "The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation" (If you're interested, I'd be happy to send you a copy of this article).

I also want my children to have a healthy understanding of divorce. There have been a few members of my extended family that have gone through divorce. I also have several friends that ended their marriages. Because of their experiences, I have been able to see when some marriages needed to end as well as other opportunities to “save” the marriage. I understand that every couple struggles and I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s experience by saying this, but I have been able to see points of decision where a couple could have “easily” turned their relationship around. If people in my children’s lives go through divorce, I would like to take the time with them to help them see what led to that decision and what could have been changed in either spouse’s actions or thoughts that could have prevented separation. I want them to be able to see for themselves the pros and cons of divorce and to understand at what point divorce is justified and when a marriage is worth fighting for. I hope to instill in them the ability to fight for the life of a marriage by helping them put those skills to use in all their relationships throughout life – especially those with their parents and siblings. At this point, having only been married for a year myself, I'll be honest and say that I don't know all the skills needed to make a great relationship last, but I plan to continue learning. My courses in Marriage and Family should give me plenty of knowledge, and my own marriage should give me plenty of experience, so I can learn as I go and teach as I learn. 

I understand that the best way to teach children to truly become something is to be that thing yourself. Throughout my life I hope to gain the attributes and qualities necessary to adequately prepare my children for happy marriages, and happy lives in general. 

Getting to Know Us :)

Welcome to our little John Family blog!! I thought I'd kick this off with a little intro to who we are. Devin and I probably met sometime in our teen years. Neither of us really remember a specific first encounter with the other, but we've always known about the other. We spent the majority of our lives in the same town/area, seeing each other at various church functions and get-togethers. We became good friends at the beginning of our last year in high school. We spent the greater part of senior year dating and grew really close.

Shortly after graduating, Devin left for a two-year mission in Las Vegas, Nevada. Ten months later I took off for an eighteen-month mission in Melbourne, Australia. While we were apart, we kept in touch by hand-written letters and weekly e-mails. After I returned from Australia, we decided two and a half years was enough time apart for us, so we agreed to spend the rest of our lives with each other! We were married in December of 2014 in the LDS Idaho Falls temple. We plan to welcome in the newest member of the John family in this coming March and can't wait to be parents!

A big part of who we both are is our religion and the value-system we share. We try to rely on and recognize the Lord in all aspects of our lives. We both understand and appreciate that the Lord has given us each other to learn and grow together. We enjoy finding ways to strengthen our relationship and want to be as best of friends as possible. We are still learning and will continue to learn throughout our marriage, but are very excited for the great possibilities in our future!