Map Anyone?

Have you ever been lost somewhere you’ve never been? Maybe you’re driving to a new vacation spot, or taking a hike on an unfamiliar trail. Maybe you got turned around on a busy city street. Maybe you’re in a giant mall and can’t find the right store. Or maybe you’re trying to find your way across a giant theme park. How did it feel to know that you couldn’t find your way? Speaking from personal experience, I have felt very panicked and hopeless. There was a tinge of fear that I would be lost forever and never make my way to my destination or back “home”. Luckily, we’ve been provided with different types of maps that we can follow in each of these situations. Some are very descriptive, while others may just be a street sign here or there. However, if we follow these maps we will be led to safety and that hopeless feeling will soon leave us.

Sometimes in relationships and especially in marriage we can feel lost, so-to-speak. We may be caught up in the middle on conflict and not see the end in sight. Much like when we are physically lost, we can find peace and happiness in our marriages but it may take some direction. Dr. John M. Gottman teaches about “love maps” in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. In summary, a “love map” is the extent to which you know someone – in this case, your spouse. 

This map can consist of things like knowing the answers to the following questions: “What do I fear the most?” “What personal improvements do I want to make in my life?” “What foods do I hate?” or “What is the one thing [I] would most like to change about [my] personality?” In essence, if you have a strong love map of someone, you know who they are – inside and out. You remember little details like how they like their eggs or what their favorite perfume is. You also remember significant things like what their greatest challenges, fears, and dreams are.

My husband and I have done a similar thing to this. Each week we try to hold our weekly "Family Home Evening" - a time when we set aside all other tasks and focus on the family and growing together. However, with only two of us it can get a bit difficult to know what to talk about or how to spend that time. We have created a "Family Home Evening" jar. In the jar are many questions. They ask different types of things, but they all help us strengthen our "love maps". As we've been able to share this time to increase our understanding of each other in some way each week, we have been able to remain close even when times get busy and stressful. 

When we are able to focus on who our spouse is, we are better able to show them the love and respect they deserve. We travel further down the path of selflessness – an attribute that is essential to marital happiness. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard said, “In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood. We make a covenantal step toward unselfishness.” As we keep this bargain, we are better able to strengthen our marriages and enjoy the journey.

Love takes effort and work - thus the importance of love maps. In "Successful Marriages and Families", Elder Marvin J. Ashton is quoted as saying, "True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time... How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them." (p 20) We must show our spouse that we love them and want to continue loving them by constantly growing in love towards each other.  

Resources - 

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.