Natural Man

Just last night, my husband and I were reading together in the Book of Mormon – a sacred record that we consider scripture – in Mosiah chapter 3. Something stood out to me while we were reading that goes along perfectly with what I’ve been learning this week in both my Marriage and my Marriage Skills classes.  We are told that “the natural man is an enemy to God…unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and putteth off the natural man.” I don’t know about you, but being an enemy to God is not on my bucket list. However, men (and women) by nature have traits and tendencies that prevent us from being close to our Heavenly Father. We are encouraged to put off the natural man. But what does this really mean?

In the book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage”, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard mentions some natural tendencies that he – and most of us – learned while a child. Some of these include making fun of/minimizing others, putting your own needs first, defending yourself, and seeing the other person as guilty. When we look at each of these items individually, we can see the dangers it can bring into a marriage in the long run, yet so many of us choose to let these attributes play a big role in our relationships, when they really have no right to be there. For example, let’s look at the last – seeing the other person as guilty. This is similar to what Dr. John M. Gottman refers to as negative sentiment override in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. When we already think that our spouse is guilty or purposefully trying to hurt us, we will be able to find the bad in any situation. This makes it nearly impossible for our spouse to gain any points in our book, or to be seen as anything but malicious and offensive. Can you see where this would be a problem in a marriage? Say that I just spent all evening preparing dinner for my husband and me. Once we’re done eating, my husband leaves the room, leaving me with all the dinner mess. If I have this negative sentiment override, I feel betrayed and unappreciated as I’m stuck cleaning up after him after I already slaved away to feed him. In my mind he is undeserving of my affection in that moment. This is a “natural man” reaction.

Now think of that same scenario if I “put off the natural man”. What my negative attitude prevents me from seeing is that he left the room to scrub the bathroom because it’s supposed to be my turn but he doesn’t want to have me worry about it after all the hard work I went through to make him dinner. He does this quickly so that he can finish his homework because he knows how much spending quality time together means to me and he wants to be able to give me as much time as possible tonight. He was going out of his way to do something with my needs in mind, but because I automatically see him as guilty, he simply cannot win. After a while, my husband will get tired of trying to do things for me if I never see and appreciate the positive. When I’m able to get rid of those natural tendencies, my husband becomes a much better person in my eyes and we are able to work together towards happiness.  

While there are many ways and meaning of “putting off the natural man” in the world today, I think it is vitally important that we apply this counsel to our marriages. Those natural, negative reactions and thoughts will never bring us close as husband and wife. If we seek to obtain greater – less natural – attributes, we will be able to strengthen our friendship with our spouse. We can be loving, humble, gentle, and patient. Granted, we will have to give up some of our "favorite" sins or vices, but it is worth the sacrifice. "Marriage fully merits the sacrifices required for lifelong commitment and, as a whole, rewards those who accept its boundaries." ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 71) We can learn to be the person our spouse deserves to spend the rest of their life with.

Resources (I would highly recommend both of these great books!!)~

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fiarfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books. 

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.