Where to Turn

In most circumstances of our lives we are given resources. At work we may be given an employee handbook and/or receive some sort of training to prepare us for our duties. At school we are given resources such as textbooks, tutors, libraries, professors, and fellow classmates. When tax season comes there are many agents, programs, books, and other materials we can consult to help us file things properly. In our marriages, we are also given resources that will help lead us to success. The greatest resource we are given is our own spouse.

Turning to our spouse creates a greater sense of unity. There are so many things in this world that make it easy to turn away from instead of towards each other. There are work schedules, household responsibilities, children, recreational activities, church duties, hobbies, service obligations, sports, media, individual desires, and so much more. While none of these things are necessarily bad - in fact, many of them are good - they can oftentimes pull one's attention away from their spouse.

Dr. Gottman, in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", shares that we turn to our spouse when we pick up on their "bids". A bid is a call for attention or connection. Most of the time these bids are small and simple. He gives an example of his wife saying that she hates folding laundry. He saw this as a bid and turned on some music to listen to while he folded the laundry for her. Another example of a bid comes from my own life. Since I am currently 8 1/2 months pregnant, my stomach sticks out a bit more than it used to. This makes bending over very difficult and sometimes very uncomfortable and painful. When it's time to put my shoes on I dread being bent over for that length of time. I give a little grunt each time in preparation for the task at hand. My husband often sees this as a bid and frequently will rush over, get on his knees, and put my shoes on for me. Even though it's a simple thing, he turns towards me slightly and we are connected on a deeper level. All he did was tie my shoe, but the message he sent to me was one of love, sacrifice, selflessness, and caring. 

You can turn towards each other everyday. You can be sure to give your wife a kiss as you walk through the door. You can hang your husband's coat up if you see it on the couch. You can make the bed for the other person. You can do the dishes even if it's their turn. You can give them even just five uninterrupted minutes to listen to whatever they want to say. Or, it could even be as simple as a smile.

The great thing about turning towards your spouse is that it consists of simple and personal acts every day. So get creative! We can turn towards each other when we put the other person first. "All of our relationships with others [people, things, activities, ourselves, etc] will be considered secondary when our spouse is foremost in our lives." ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 64)

Just as waiting to turn towards a textbook until the day of a final would be pointless and probably not very helpful, if we wait for difficulties in life to turn to our spouse, we may be surprised to find that it is not as helpful as we had hoped, or that they are no longer there to turn to. As we take the time to turn towards our spouse everyday in those small and simple things, we will have that connection in place for when those rough times do come.

Resources~

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.