Counseling Together

“Council –

(Noun)

A group of people who are chosen to make rules, laws, or decisions about something; a group of people who provide advice or guidance on something”

“Counsel –

(verb)

To give advice to (someone); to listen to and give support or advice to (someone) especially as a job; to suggest or recommend (something)”

Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an address entitled “Counseling with Our Councils”.  Throughout the course of the address, Elder Ballard mentions the importance of working together to make decisions. He makes special reference to the different organizations throughout the Church and how they work together to make decisions for their various organizations and areas of stewardship. However, this idea can also greatly apply to marriages as well.

At the beginning of this post, I included the Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s definitions of both council and counsel. According to these definitions if we are to counsel with our councils, then we give advice, support, recommendations, and a listening ear to and with a group of people that make decisions, rules, and guidance. In other words, we work as a team before any big decisions involving more than the individual are made. This needs to happen all the time in marriage! Where one person chooses to work affects the other. When one person wants to have children plays a role in their spouse’s life. The goals, dreams, rules, and limitations that one member of the couple has may need to be supported by the other. When we take time to talk to each other and come to a conclusion together, we are more unified within our marriage.

My husband and I are both currently students at Brigham Young University-Idaho. When we were first married, my husband wasn’t sure which of two possible majors he should pursue. Since it was his personal education, he could have easily chosen to make the decision by himself. However, he saw the potential this decision had to impact my life and that of our future family. His choice of major would determine possible careers which would play a role in his work hours, pay, job availability, etc. He chose to counsel with me (several times) before making a final decision. We were able to discuss the pros and cons of both. I grew to feel that my husband appreciated me and my input. He was able to see that I support him and have faith in his abilities. While the decision itself might not have changed our marital satisfaction, the process of making the decision together definitely brought us closer.

Loyal to a T

I've always loved this quote. The best possible way to show someone that we love them is to be loyal - no matter what. However, I feel that many people don't fully understand what it means to be loyal - especially when it comes to your spouse. There are so many different opportunities to be unfaithful and not even realize it. Satan makes it easier and easier to justify. If we are to be and remain faithful, we must understand the temptations and dangers that are all around us.

So, how do we know if something we are doing and/or faced with can lead to a lack of loyalty to our spouse? President Ezra Taft Benson gave this suggestion: "A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this?" [2] We can ask ourselves this question on a daily basis in many different circumstances. Maybe it's about how we talk to a co-worker of the opposite sex. Maybe it's what we are viewing/sharing on the internet. Maybe it's just a thought or fantasy about someone other than our significant other. Whatever it may be, as we apply this question to the situation, we will be more accurately guided to know whether we are being faithful or not. 

Dr. Brent Barlow is quoted as saying, "Implied are at least three elements that characterize successful stewardship: (1) agency, (2) diligence, and (3) accountability. We may accept or reject the opportunity to become a steward, but once we accept the responsibility, we are expected to exert great effort, as indicated in the parable of the talents. We are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given. Ultimately there will be an accounting of one kind of another of our various stewardships." [3] If we view our relationship with our spouse as a stewardship, we will feel more inclined to do all we can to actively remain faithful and loyal to them.

Resources ~

[1] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/the-first-great-commandment?lang=eng

[2] “The Law of Chastity,” BYU1987-88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches [1988], p. 52.

[3]What Husbands Expect of Wives, 1989, p. 60

Charity

I’ve mentioned several times before the book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. Throughout his book he discusses different principles that bring a spiritual strength to marriages. Some of these are obedience, sacrifice, repentance, humility, and faith. The last principle he shares ties all of these together for me: charity.

Those with a spiritual background will know that charity is considered the pure love of Christ. However, you don’t have to necessarily believe in Christ to have charity. The idea of Christ’s love is that it is unconditional. It’s not dependent of certain actions or reactions. It can’t be bought, earned, or lost. Dr. Goddard quotes Marvin J. Ashton when he defines charity. “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” All these aspects of charity are vital to having a happy and successful marriage. There will definitely be times when we must choose to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. We will need to look over and accept our spouse’s weaknesses. When we allow our love for our spouse to outweigh the bumps and bruises in our relationships, we bring an added strength to our marriage that can’t be found anywhere else.

I’ve been able to feel of this love more completely this past week. My husband and I have welcomed into our family and home our first child. 

It’s incredible how completely he trusts us and how dependent on us he is for everything. He has many shortcomings – he spits up, loves to be awake at night, etc – but I don’t think I could love him more if I tried. The love I have for my son is not diminished by each messy diaper. I love him and will always love him no matter what. That is the kind of love that we should have for everyone – especially our best friend that we have promised to love, come what may.  

Resources ~

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fiarfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Anger

Ever since I was little, I've been taught the importance of making good choices and how I will be affected by the decisions I make. I've learned that everyone has the ability to make their own choices and that this is a very important part of life. While this idea of agency (freedom of choice) is emphasized a lot, it is not often applied to one of the more common barriers to happiness - anger. 

Lynn G. Robbins gave a great address entitled "Agency and Anger" in 1998. Within it he claims that each of us have the ability to choose whether to be angry or not. Oftentimes we hear (and may say ourselves), "They made me mad" or "I lost my temper". These phrases show that we are not taking responsibility for our own choice to allow anger to damage our thoughts, words, or actions. When we understand that we have the ability to choose whether to be angry or not, we will be more in control of our own emotions.

Ok, so what does this have to do with marriage and the family? Lynn G. Robbins said, "Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but it almost always counterproductive." Does this sound like a happy and healthy family relationship to you? I certainly don't want to be part of a marriage that seeks to make the other feel guilty or to manipulate one another. This is no way to let the other person know of our love and admiration for them. We aren't being productive when we allow anger to influence us.

As we apply the principle of agency to all aspects of our lives - including anger - we will be more in control of our marriages and relationships. We will be able to lead ourselves and those we love towards happiness instead of being tossed to and fro with the storms of life.

Resources~

Elder L.G. Robbins, "Agency and anger," Ensign, May 1998, 80.

Pride

This past week I've read some amazing advice that I would recommend everyone reads! The last several weeks I've mentioned Dr. Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" [1]. This week I had the opportunity to read about the fourth principle, "Let Your Partner Influence You." While he gave some great and practical advice on how best to do this (I would advise you check it out!), I wanted to take the more spiritual approach that was shared by Dr. Goddard ("Drawing Heaven into your Marriage") [2] and Ezra Taft Benson ("Beware of Pride") [3].

I have found that it is nearly impossible to let someone have any kind of influence o you when you are not being humble. When I'm prideful, I'm like a brick wall. You can huff and puff all the day long, but my faults are going to remain unchanged behind my fortress. 

Pride can be defined in many different ways. President Benson gives some examples of these definitions, "self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance...haughtiness...competitive in nature...self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking." In other words, pride is focusing on the self. When we put our needs, wants, desires, feelings, thoughts, and dreams above others, we are acting out of pride. This is no way to build a happy and successful marriage - or any relationship for that matter.
  

So, how do we fix this? Dr. Goddard focuses his remarks on the need for repentance. While you may not be particularly spiritual yourself, the idea of repentance applies to everyone. Dr. Goddard shares a definition of repentance, part of which comes from the LDS Bible Dictionary, "Repentance 'denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, about the world'... The heart of repentance is giving up our self-sufficiency, our sense that we can set our own lives right." Another definition of repentance is, "a process of enhancing internal awareness and interpersonal accountability." [4] (p 203) Repentance is the idea that we need to change in order to become better. When we realize that we have work to do, we eliminate pride from that aspect of our life. Our brick wall gradually becomes softer and softer until it's merely a house of cards that tumbles over in one gentle blow.

We cannot be influenced by our spouse until we get rid of the brick wall that protects our faults. As we repent, or change, and focus on others more than ourselves, we will be able to not only be influenced by our spouse, but we will be a good influence on them as well.  

Resources ~
1. Gottman, J. M. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
2. Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing
3. President Ezra T. Benson, "Beware of Pride", Ensign, May 1989, 4-7
4. Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Where to Turn

In most circumstances of our lives we are given resources. At work we may be given an employee handbook and/or receive some sort of training to prepare us for our duties. At school we are given resources such as textbooks, tutors, libraries, professors, and fellow classmates. When tax season comes there are many agents, programs, books, and other materials we can consult to help us file things properly. In our marriages, we are also given resources that will help lead us to success. The greatest resource we are given is our own spouse.

Turning to our spouse creates a greater sense of unity. There are so many things in this world that make it easy to turn away from instead of towards each other. There are work schedules, household responsibilities, children, recreational activities, church duties, hobbies, service obligations, sports, media, individual desires, and so much more. While none of these things are necessarily bad - in fact, many of them are good - they can oftentimes pull one's attention away from their spouse.

Dr. Gottman, in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", shares that we turn to our spouse when we pick up on their "bids". A bid is a call for attention or connection. Most of the time these bids are small and simple. He gives an example of his wife saying that she hates folding laundry. He saw this as a bid and turned on some music to listen to while he folded the laundry for her. Another example of a bid comes from my own life. Since I am currently 8 1/2 months pregnant, my stomach sticks out a bit more than it used to. This makes bending over very difficult and sometimes very uncomfortable and painful. When it's time to put my shoes on I dread being bent over for that length of time. I give a little grunt each time in preparation for the task at hand. My husband often sees this as a bid and frequently will rush over, get on his knees, and put my shoes on for me. Even though it's a simple thing, he turns towards me slightly and we are connected on a deeper level. All he did was tie my shoe, but the message he sent to me was one of love, sacrifice, selflessness, and caring. 

You can turn towards each other everyday. You can be sure to give your wife a kiss as you walk through the door. You can hang your husband's coat up if you see it on the couch. You can make the bed for the other person. You can do the dishes even if it's their turn. You can give them even just five uninterrupted minutes to listen to whatever they want to say. Or, it could even be as simple as a smile.

The great thing about turning towards your spouse is that it consists of simple and personal acts every day. So get creative! We can turn towards each other when we put the other person first. "All of our relationships with others [people, things, activities, ourselves, etc] will be considered secondary when our spouse is foremost in our lives." ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 64)

Just as waiting to turn towards a textbook until the day of a final would be pointless and probably not very helpful, if we wait for difficulties in life to turn to our spouse, we may be surprised to find that it is not as helpful as we had hoped, or that they are no longer there to turn to. As we take the time to turn towards our spouse everyday in those small and simple things, we will have that connection in place for when those rough times do come.

Resources~

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Map Anyone?

Have you ever been lost somewhere you’ve never been? Maybe you’re driving to a new vacation spot, or taking a hike on an unfamiliar trail. Maybe you got turned around on a busy city street. Maybe you’re in a giant mall and can’t find the right store. Or maybe you’re trying to find your way across a giant theme park. How did it feel to know that you couldn’t find your way? Speaking from personal experience, I have felt very panicked and hopeless. There was a tinge of fear that I would be lost forever and never make my way to my destination or back “home”. Luckily, we’ve been provided with different types of maps that we can follow in each of these situations. Some are very descriptive, while others may just be a street sign here or there. However, if we follow these maps we will be led to safety and that hopeless feeling will soon leave us.

Sometimes in relationships and especially in marriage we can feel lost, so-to-speak. We may be caught up in the middle on conflict and not see the end in sight. Much like when we are physically lost, we can find peace and happiness in our marriages but it may take some direction. Dr. John M. Gottman teaches about “love maps” in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. In summary, a “love map” is the extent to which you know someone – in this case, your spouse. 

This map can consist of things like knowing the answers to the following questions: “What do I fear the most?” “What personal improvements do I want to make in my life?” “What foods do I hate?” or “What is the one thing [I] would most like to change about [my] personality?” In essence, if you have a strong love map of someone, you know who they are – inside and out. You remember little details like how they like their eggs or what their favorite perfume is. You also remember significant things like what their greatest challenges, fears, and dreams are.

My husband and I have done a similar thing to this. Each week we try to hold our weekly "Family Home Evening" - a time when we set aside all other tasks and focus on the family and growing together. However, with only two of us it can get a bit difficult to know what to talk about or how to spend that time. We have created a "Family Home Evening" jar. In the jar are many questions. They ask different types of things, but they all help us strengthen our "love maps". As we've been able to share this time to increase our understanding of each other in some way each week, we have been able to remain close even when times get busy and stressful. 

When we are able to focus on who our spouse is, we are better able to show them the love and respect they deserve. We travel further down the path of selflessness – an attribute that is essential to marital happiness. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard said, “In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood. We make a covenantal step toward unselfishness.” As we keep this bargain, we are better able to strengthen our marriages and enjoy the journey.

Love takes effort and work - thus the importance of love maps. In "Successful Marriages and Families", Elder Marvin J. Ashton is quoted as saying, "True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time... How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them." (p 20) We must show our spouse that we love them and want to continue loving them by constantly growing in love towards each other.  

Resources - 

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.