Pride

This past week I've read some amazing advice that I would recommend everyone reads! The last several weeks I've mentioned Dr. Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" [1]. This week I had the opportunity to read about the fourth principle, "Let Your Partner Influence You." While he gave some great and practical advice on how best to do this (I would advise you check it out!), I wanted to take the more spiritual approach that was shared by Dr. Goddard ("Drawing Heaven into your Marriage") [2] and Ezra Taft Benson ("Beware of Pride") [3].

I have found that it is nearly impossible to let someone have any kind of influence o you when you are not being humble. When I'm prideful, I'm like a brick wall. You can huff and puff all the day long, but my faults are going to remain unchanged behind my fortress. 

Pride can be defined in many different ways. President Benson gives some examples of these definitions, "self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance...haughtiness...competitive in nature...self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking." In other words, pride is focusing on the self. When we put our needs, wants, desires, feelings, thoughts, and dreams above others, we are acting out of pride. This is no way to build a happy and successful marriage - or any relationship for that matter.
  

So, how do we fix this? Dr. Goddard focuses his remarks on the need for repentance. While you may not be particularly spiritual yourself, the idea of repentance applies to everyone. Dr. Goddard shares a definition of repentance, part of which comes from the LDS Bible Dictionary, "Repentance 'denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, about the world'... The heart of repentance is giving up our self-sufficiency, our sense that we can set our own lives right." Another definition of repentance is, "a process of enhancing internal awareness and interpersonal accountability." [4] (p 203) Repentance is the idea that we need to change in order to become better. When we realize that we have work to do, we eliminate pride from that aspect of our life. Our brick wall gradually becomes softer and softer until it's merely a house of cards that tumbles over in one gentle blow.

We cannot be influenced by our spouse until we get rid of the brick wall that protects our faults. As we repent, or change, and focus on others more than ourselves, we will be able to not only be influenced by our spouse, but we will be a good influence on them as well.  

Resources ~
1. Gottman, J. M. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
2. Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing
3. President Ezra T. Benson, "Beware of Pride", Ensign, May 1989, 4-7
4. Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Where to Turn

In most circumstances of our lives we are given resources. At work we may be given an employee handbook and/or receive some sort of training to prepare us for our duties. At school we are given resources such as textbooks, tutors, libraries, professors, and fellow classmates. When tax season comes there are many agents, programs, books, and other materials we can consult to help us file things properly. In our marriages, we are also given resources that will help lead us to success. The greatest resource we are given is our own spouse.

Turning to our spouse creates a greater sense of unity. There are so many things in this world that make it easy to turn away from instead of towards each other. There are work schedules, household responsibilities, children, recreational activities, church duties, hobbies, service obligations, sports, media, individual desires, and so much more. While none of these things are necessarily bad - in fact, many of them are good - they can oftentimes pull one's attention away from their spouse.

Dr. Gottman, in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", shares that we turn to our spouse when we pick up on their "bids". A bid is a call for attention or connection. Most of the time these bids are small and simple. He gives an example of his wife saying that she hates folding laundry. He saw this as a bid and turned on some music to listen to while he folded the laundry for her. Another example of a bid comes from my own life. Since I am currently 8 1/2 months pregnant, my stomach sticks out a bit more than it used to. This makes bending over very difficult and sometimes very uncomfortable and painful. When it's time to put my shoes on I dread being bent over for that length of time. I give a little grunt each time in preparation for the task at hand. My husband often sees this as a bid and frequently will rush over, get on his knees, and put my shoes on for me. Even though it's a simple thing, he turns towards me slightly and we are connected on a deeper level. All he did was tie my shoe, but the message he sent to me was one of love, sacrifice, selflessness, and caring. 

You can turn towards each other everyday. You can be sure to give your wife a kiss as you walk through the door. You can hang your husband's coat up if you see it on the couch. You can make the bed for the other person. You can do the dishes even if it's their turn. You can give them even just five uninterrupted minutes to listen to whatever they want to say. Or, it could even be as simple as a smile.

The great thing about turning towards your spouse is that it consists of simple and personal acts every day. So get creative! We can turn towards each other when we put the other person first. "All of our relationships with others [people, things, activities, ourselves, etc] will be considered secondary when our spouse is foremost in our lives." ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 64)

Just as waiting to turn towards a textbook until the day of a final would be pointless and probably not very helpful, if we wait for difficulties in life to turn to our spouse, we may be surprised to find that it is not as helpful as we had hoped, or that they are no longer there to turn to. As we take the time to turn towards our spouse everyday in those small and simple things, we will have that connection in place for when those rough times do come.

Resources~

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Map Anyone?

Have you ever been lost somewhere you’ve never been? Maybe you’re driving to a new vacation spot, or taking a hike on an unfamiliar trail. Maybe you got turned around on a busy city street. Maybe you’re in a giant mall and can’t find the right store. Or maybe you’re trying to find your way across a giant theme park. How did it feel to know that you couldn’t find your way? Speaking from personal experience, I have felt very panicked and hopeless. There was a tinge of fear that I would be lost forever and never make my way to my destination or back “home”. Luckily, we’ve been provided with different types of maps that we can follow in each of these situations. Some are very descriptive, while others may just be a street sign here or there. However, if we follow these maps we will be led to safety and that hopeless feeling will soon leave us.

Sometimes in relationships and especially in marriage we can feel lost, so-to-speak. We may be caught up in the middle on conflict and not see the end in sight. Much like when we are physically lost, we can find peace and happiness in our marriages but it may take some direction. Dr. John M. Gottman teaches about “love maps” in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. In summary, a “love map” is the extent to which you know someone – in this case, your spouse. 

This map can consist of things like knowing the answers to the following questions: “What do I fear the most?” “What personal improvements do I want to make in my life?” “What foods do I hate?” or “What is the one thing [I] would most like to change about [my] personality?” In essence, if you have a strong love map of someone, you know who they are – inside and out. You remember little details like how they like their eggs or what their favorite perfume is. You also remember significant things like what their greatest challenges, fears, and dreams are.

My husband and I have done a similar thing to this. Each week we try to hold our weekly "Family Home Evening" - a time when we set aside all other tasks and focus on the family and growing together. However, with only two of us it can get a bit difficult to know what to talk about or how to spend that time. We have created a "Family Home Evening" jar. In the jar are many questions. They ask different types of things, but they all help us strengthen our "love maps". As we've been able to share this time to increase our understanding of each other in some way each week, we have been able to remain close even when times get busy and stressful. 

When we are able to focus on who our spouse is, we are better able to show them the love and respect they deserve. We travel further down the path of selflessness – an attribute that is essential to marital happiness. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard said, “In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood. We make a covenantal step toward unselfishness.” As we keep this bargain, we are better able to strengthen our marriages and enjoy the journey.

Love takes effort and work - thus the importance of love maps. In "Successful Marriages and Families", Elder Marvin J. Ashton is quoted as saying, "True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time... How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them." (p 20) We must show our spouse that we love them and want to continue loving them by constantly growing in love towards each other.  

Resources - 

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Natural Man

Just last night, my husband and I were reading together in the Book of Mormon – a sacred record that we consider scripture – in Mosiah chapter 3. Something stood out to me while we were reading that goes along perfectly with what I’ve been learning this week in both my Marriage and my Marriage Skills classes.  We are told that “the natural man is an enemy to God…unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and putteth off the natural man.” I don’t know about you, but being an enemy to God is not on my bucket list. However, men (and women) by nature have traits and tendencies that prevent us from being close to our Heavenly Father. We are encouraged to put off the natural man. But what does this really mean?

In the book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage”, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard mentions some natural tendencies that he – and most of us – learned while a child. Some of these include making fun of/minimizing others, putting your own needs first, defending yourself, and seeing the other person as guilty. When we look at each of these items individually, we can see the dangers it can bring into a marriage in the long run, yet so many of us choose to let these attributes play a big role in our relationships, when they really have no right to be there. For example, let’s look at the last – seeing the other person as guilty. This is similar to what Dr. John M. Gottman refers to as negative sentiment override in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. When we already think that our spouse is guilty or purposefully trying to hurt us, we will be able to find the bad in any situation. This makes it nearly impossible for our spouse to gain any points in our book, or to be seen as anything but malicious and offensive. Can you see where this would be a problem in a marriage? Say that I just spent all evening preparing dinner for my husband and me. Once we’re done eating, my husband leaves the room, leaving me with all the dinner mess. If I have this negative sentiment override, I feel betrayed and unappreciated as I’m stuck cleaning up after him after I already slaved away to feed him. In my mind he is undeserving of my affection in that moment. This is a “natural man” reaction.

Now think of that same scenario if I “put off the natural man”. What my negative attitude prevents me from seeing is that he left the room to scrub the bathroom because it’s supposed to be my turn but he doesn’t want to have me worry about it after all the hard work I went through to make him dinner. He does this quickly so that he can finish his homework because he knows how much spending quality time together means to me and he wants to be able to give me as much time as possible tonight. He was going out of his way to do something with my needs in mind, but because I automatically see him as guilty, he simply cannot win. After a while, my husband will get tired of trying to do things for me if I never see and appreciate the positive. When I’m able to get rid of those natural tendencies, my husband becomes a much better person in my eyes and we are able to work together towards happiness.  

While there are many ways and meaning of “putting off the natural man” in the world today, I think it is vitally important that we apply this counsel to our marriages. Those natural, negative reactions and thoughts will never bring us close as husband and wife. If we seek to obtain greater – less natural – attributes, we will be able to strengthen our friendship with our spouse. We can be loving, humble, gentle, and patient. Granted, we will have to give up some of our "favorite" sins or vices, but it is worth the sacrifice. "Marriage fully merits the sacrifices required for lifelong commitment and, as a whole, rewards those who accept its boundaries." ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 71) We can learn to be the person our spouse deserves to spend the rest of their life with.

Resources (I would highly recommend both of these great books!!)~

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fiarfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books. 

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life. 

Contract vs Covenant

I've spoken in previous blog posts about the nature of marriage. I've mentioned that "marriage is more than just a contractual agreement", and that I believe that "marriage is a covenant - or reciprocal promise". I would like to address in a bit more detail the difference between a contract and a covenant. 

In the book "Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives", we are given an explanation of the importance of covenants. "We are blessed on this earth through righteous participation and commitment to covenants between a loving God and His mortal children. These covenants, by their nature, are intended to bring the sweetest blessings God has to offer to those who exercise faith in the gospel plan and prove themselves worthy through obedience." (p 174)

To further define what a covenant is, "Successful Marriages and Families" quotes President James E. Faust when he said, "In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant." (p 80)

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a former Seventy (office in the organization of the Latter-day Saint church), gave an address in 1996 entitled "Covenant Marriage". Within this talk, he implies that even a couple that has made covenants with God when they were married could only be living a "contract marriage".

From what I understand them both to be, a covenant marriage is one in which the husband and wife have an eternal perspective and a forever goal in mind. They focus on what they Lord would have them do instead of on what their spouse should be doing for them. People who live a covenant marriage understand that marriage is important in God's plan for His children. They realize that they must work towards Christ to become closer together. This is explained in more detail by Elder David A. Bednar when he compares marriage to a triangle ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 28). He says, “Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily ‘come unto Christ’ and strive to be ‘perfected in Him’. Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.” This is part of what Elder Bednar refers to as “the covenant relationship of eternal marriage.”

Now, you may not be religious or maybe just don’t view Christ as someone that you need to draw close to in order to gain happiness and marital bliss. Jesus is more than just some person. Jesus represents things such as selfless love, sacrifice, service, gratitude, overcoming weaknesses, looking outside of oneself, and self-control. As any couple works towards any of these attributes, they will be able to draw closer together. In a way, they can have a “covenant marriage”. As they work towards a common goal that will have lasting consequences for good in the lives of all those involved, they begin to change their marriage from more than just a contract or agreement, and it becomes something of eternal value and importance.

I know I haven’t been married very long (just over a year), but within that short time, I’ve seen the affect that priorities can have on a relationship. There have been times when I have “settled” for a “contract marriage”. I’ve had the perspective that for every effort I make there needs to be an equal effort made by my husband. If I sacrifice something for him, he needs to sacrifice something for me. I would constantly “keep score” – so to speak – to make sure I wasn’t putting forth more effort than what I needed. When I had that perspective, I wasn’t always happy. I was constantly thinking of myself and what I deserved. Once I lost that sense of entitlement and chose to look for ways that I could make my husband happy just because I loved him, I noticed even more how happy he makes me.

Resources~

Bruce C. Hafen’s “Covenant Marriage”

https://app.box.com/embed/preview/09y4qxqfppbe8oz5uuje39utsdv566rt?theme=dark

David A. Bednar’s “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”

https://app.box.com/embed/preview/onfgn50ke692o6eq0bqf4ozgptl7zsjm?theme=dark
Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

What is Marriage?

This past week I’ve learned so much about the definition of marriage. Obviously, within our world today, the “idea” of marriage is being re-defined by governments, political groups, and individuals. However, no amount of earthly rearranging of the dictionary will change eternal truths. In the article “The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman” Lynn D. Wardle tells of a story attributed to Abraham Lincoln. “He is said to have once asked how many legs a dog would have if you counted a tail as a leg. To the response ‘five legs,’ Lincoln said, ‘No; calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.’” So then that poses the question – what is marriage?

To me, marriage is much more than just a contractual agreement or an emotional support. Marriage is not merely a piece of paper or extra benefits on your taxes. Marriage is much more than just a way of life or a status of living. Marriage is a covenant – or reciprocal promise – made between two people and their Creator. It is a commitment to forget oneself, to show true Christ-like love – or charity – to another every day. It is a heightened awareness of our responsibility to watch out for and help one another. It is the best possible way we can be prepared to become one with all of God’s children. It is the beginning of a family; the partnership that the Lord has established for His eternal purpose and plan to allow His children to experience earth life and to learn of His Gospel. "The fundamental purposes of this life remain the same as they have always been - to receive a body, to believe in Christ, to progress spiritually, and to form an eternal marriage and family." (Hawkins, et al p 13) "Successful Marriages and Families" goes on to say, "Birth into a family was the way God chose to send His spirit children to earth. Marriage and family relationships are the central means He has prepared to achieve His purposes." (p 340) This can only be done through the union of a man and a woman as husband and wife. No other combination – as great as the two may be – can provide life for God’s children.  

I understand that not everyone has the same religious view of marriage as I do. If testimony and faith just don’t cut it for you, there is plenty of earthy evidence to show that the most ideal setting for the development of children is within a traditional family with a father and mother married as husband and wife. David Popenoe is quoted in “The Divine Institution of Marriage” as saying, “The burden of social science evidence supports the idea that gender differentiated parenting is important for human development and that the contribution of fathers to child rearing is unique and irreplaceable… The complementarity of male and female parenting styles is striking and of enormous importance to a child’s overall development.” There is no denying it – men and women are different. These differences complement each other as they are used to aid in the development of children.

There is a great need in our world today to align our definition of marriage to what the Lord has always defined marriage as. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” states, “Marriage between man and woman is ordained of God.” No amount of social propaganda or political campaigning can change that.

Resources

“The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman”

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1211382

“The Divine Institution of Marriage”

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage#_edn7

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng#

Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Learn, Do, Teach, and Become

This week I have had the great privilege of reading many different articles and excerpts regarding marriage and divorce – both materials required for my Marriage class and materials from other sources. It has become more obvious to me that there is a great need in our society and in the world today to re-establish the sacredness and importance of marriage and marital relationships. However, as I’ve discovered through my readings, this can be difficult to do when there are so many trends and viewpoints that draw people away from entering the marriage covenant. As I contemplated this, I got to thinking about how I will try to prevent these trends from influencing my own children, and I’d like to share some of those thoughts, plans, and goals with you.

This is my cute family. Aren't they great?! In my own life, my parents provided what I would consider a very ideal example of a happy marriage. Growing up, I knew they didn’t always agree on everything, but I never heard them raise their voices to each other. They greatly respected one another and expected us to do the same. I remember getting into trouble for little acts here and there, but the most trouble I ever got in was the one time I said something disrespectful to my mother while my dad was around. I quickly learned that respect was what everyone deserved - especially my loving parents. While my personal actions won’t necessarily change society, I believe that they can have a strong impact on my children’s lives. I plan to do all within my power to – as my parents did for me – show my children a happy, healthy marriage. I want my children to know that marriage isn’t always easy and it doesn’t mean that there will never be any conflict. But I also want them to know and be able to see that marriage does bring great happiness and is worth all the work and conflict. By constantly working to strengthen my own marriage, I hope to decrease the likelihood of my child having unstable parenting, unnecessary stress, or feeling like they have to pick sides. Paul Amato mentions these and others as possible hardships in single-parent homes in an article entitled "The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation" (If you're interested, I'd be happy to send you a copy of this article).

I also want my children to have a healthy understanding of divorce. There have been a few members of my extended family that have gone through divorce. I also have several friends that ended their marriages. Because of their experiences, I have been able to see when some marriages needed to end as well as other opportunities to “save” the marriage. I understand that every couple struggles and I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s experience by saying this, but I have been able to see points of decision where a couple could have “easily” turned their relationship around. If people in my children’s lives go through divorce, I would like to take the time with them to help them see what led to that decision and what could have been changed in either spouse’s actions or thoughts that could have prevented separation. I want them to be able to see for themselves the pros and cons of divorce and to understand at what point divorce is justified and when a marriage is worth fighting for. I hope to instill in them the ability to fight for the life of a marriage by helping them put those skills to use in all their relationships throughout life – especially those with their parents and siblings. At this point, having only been married for a year myself, I'll be honest and say that I don't know all the skills needed to make a great relationship last, but I plan to continue learning. My courses in Marriage and Family should give me plenty of knowledge, and my own marriage should give me plenty of experience, so I can learn as I go and teach as I learn. 

I understand that the best way to teach children to truly become something is to be that thing yourself. Throughout my life I hope to gain the attributes and qualities necessary to adequately prepare my children for happy marriages, and happy lives in general.