What's my Role Again?

Aren’t they just the cutest couple you’ve ever seen? Those are my incredible parents. They have been a great example to me of what a marriage should be. My mom is a loving and patient wife and mother. My dad is a faithful and devoted husband and father. They both work together to make the best possible home they can for each of their children. Sure, they aren’t perfect, but I’ve always looked up to their ability to find balance and equality in their relationship. This idea of equality is one that I’ve struggled with for a while now, so I’d like to address that here. 

In order to find this balance in equality, it's important that we understand what equality really is. "Successful Marriages and Families" (hereafter referred to as 'the text')[1] says, "Equality is all too often used to mean 'identity'; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality... In contrast, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught: 'The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony.'" (p 38) Knowing that equal is not identical makes it easy to appreciate the great roles men and women have as fathers and mothers respectively. 

So what is the role of mothers? If I were to sum it up in one word, it would be: love. The text says, "Because motherhood is part of a woman's divine identity, her role as mother is defined by a relationship more than a set of tasks... A mother's attentive love in this new relationship becomes the foundation by which all of the other tasks of mothering become effective." (p 132) I feel that women have a great ability to love. This love is vital to make any other thing she does as a mother worthwhile. 

Now moving on to fathers. "To father a child is to accept a divine calling, a moral stewardship, and a lasting commitment across generations." (p 140) The text defines the "five fundamental principles of fathering [as being]: to preside, partner, be present, provide, and protect." (p 145) Men must work with their wives, their children, and with the Lord to know how they can become more effective as a father.  The text also summarizes the chapter on fatherhood by saying, "Fathers have the ability, for good or ill, to exercise great power and influence in the lives of their children and families. Power alone, however, is not what a father truly needs, nor does he need only the ability to influence and direct a child's life, thoughts, and feelings. A father needs the power to bless." (p 147) Fathers can be such a great blessing in the lives of their children.

As you may have noticed, none of the responsibilities a father has are his alone - nor the mother's hers. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" [2] definitely speaks truth when it says, "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." As we seek to be equal - not identical - to our spouse in our tasks and responsibilities, we will be able to help each other fulfill our roles more fully and effectively. We will learn from each other and grow closer together.

Resources ~

1. Hawkins et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life. 

2. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng 

Wholesome Recreation

We've all heard that spending time with your family is important. We may be familiar with the quote stated above about how time is how we can express love to each other. Have you ever wondered why this is the case? Or maybe, what exactly we should be doing during this time? "Successful Marriages and Families" [1] shares the answers to those exact questions. 

Why is spending time together so important? One great reason is good health. "Research on the effect of extrinsically and intrinsically motivated aspirations found that people who focus on pleasure wealth, and material goods are likely to experience poorer mental health - reflected in higher levels of anxiety and depression and poor social functioning. In contrast, people who 'focus on developing satisfying personal relationships, growing as individuals, and contributing to their community' are among the healthiest in society." (Hawkins, et al. p 227) Another reason - this one specifically dealing with parenting - is to help children learn. Young children will often mimic behavior that they see their parents do. The more time they spend with their parents doing activities that bring them closer together, the more prepared they will be to take on the world and become a contributing member of society.

What exactly is wholesome recreation? Hawkins and his associates mention that there are "three types of leisure: (a) parallel, (b) joint, and (c) independent." (p 230) As the names suggest, parallel activities are when people are independently doing the same task without interaction, joint activities require lots of communication, and independent activities are completely individual. The authors mention that marital satisfaction can be found most frequently through joint activities. Young children also learn security and independence when they play with their parents. When it comes to adolescents, the authors suggest that "parents should consider the value of providing varied recreation experiences for their children" because "varied and meaningful recreation promotes positive identity development." (p 231) 

My parents were really good at bringing variety to our family recreation. I remember going on family bike rides, watching movies, pulling weeds, playing board games, watching clouds, painting, doing service, cooking/baking, and many other things. Here are pictures of some of our adventures together:

My brother and I in our Scout uniforms

At the natural water slides with some friends

My sister losing (to me) in stick-pull

On the steps at Bishop's Castle

At the zoo

Canoes

Building a snowman

Sleeping on the tramp-o-line

It was during many of these activities that I was able to gain stronger relationships with my parents and my siblings. I still feel very close to each of them and their friendship is among my most prized possessions. 

Resources ~

1. Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

In-Laws

I have been greatly blessed in my marriage to inherit incredible in-laws. My husband’s parents, siblings, and their spouses are all very loving and accepting without being overly pushy and intrusive. Above is a picture of us (minus the other spouses) the day we were married. However, I know that this is not usually the case for many. In fact, there is often a bad wrap that comes with even just the word “mother-in-law”.  

Why is this? How can we overcome it?

Often times, the transition from childhood to adulthood can be difficult for the parent. They are used to providing for every need of their child for many, many years. They have usually been their main source for advice or help with stressful situations. Now their child is suddenly entering a new chapter of their own lives. The parent’s natural reaction and great desire is to help their child as he/she makes this transition. However, the child now has a partner – someone that is meant to take greater priority in their lives than their parents. The child turns – or at least should turn – to their spouse for advice. They make decision together without consulting either set of parents. It can be hard for a parent to watch their child carry on with their life without them. They want their child to be happy and feel that the 18+ years they’ve raised him/her makes them better able to make that happen than some person that just recently came into his/her life. If these thoughts take over the minds of parents with recently married children, then it is very likely that they can turn into the dreaded “monster-in-law”.

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen [1] give some suggestions on what a married couple can do to increase their independence while still retaining a strong and healthy relationship with their in-laws:

“If a married couple finds a parent or other extended family member to be disruptive or harmful to their marriage, they can approach the problem together… If they decide they want to improve the relationship, they will need to decide together how to approach the other family member and what types of change they want to request. Then they should act together, with both married partners realizing their primary obligation is to be supportive of each other, regardless of how the extended family member responds… Adult married children can improve relationships with their in-laws by setting boundaries that help ensure their marriage is strong and happy. Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them.”

They also refer to Gloria Horsley and five things she feels every parent-in-law should avoid. “They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication.”

I feel that each of the things mentioned above sounds simple enough but can sometimes be hard to implement. However, if we continue to make our spouse and our marriage a priority then we must be willing to do all we can to ensure that our in-law relationships are as healthy and helpful as possible. 

Resources ~

 

1. Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Counseling Together

“Council –

(Noun)

A group of people who are chosen to make rules, laws, or decisions about something; a group of people who provide advice or guidance on something”

“Counsel –

(verb)

To give advice to (someone); to listen to and give support or advice to (someone) especially as a job; to suggest or recommend (something)”

Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an address entitled “Counseling with Our Councils”.  Throughout the course of the address, Elder Ballard mentions the importance of working together to make decisions. He makes special reference to the different organizations throughout the Church and how they work together to make decisions for their various organizations and areas of stewardship. However, this idea can also greatly apply to marriages as well.

At the beginning of this post, I included the Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s definitions of both council and counsel. According to these definitions if we are to counsel with our councils, then we give advice, support, recommendations, and a listening ear to and with a group of people that make decisions, rules, and guidance. In other words, we work as a team before any big decisions involving more than the individual are made. This needs to happen all the time in marriage! Where one person chooses to work affects the other. When one person wants to have children plays a role in their spouse’s life. The goals, dreams, rules, and limitations that one member of the couple has may need to be supported by the other. When we take time to talk to each other and come to a conclusion together, we are more unified within our marriage.

My husband and I are both currently students at Brigham Young University-Idaho. When we were first married, my husband wasn’t sure which of two possible majors he should pursue. Since it was his personal education, he could have easily chosen to make the decision by himself. However, he saw the potential this decision had to impact my life and that of our future family. His choice of major would determine possible careers which would play a role in his work hours, pay, job availability, etc. He chose to counsel with me (several times) before making a final decision. We were able to discuss the pros and cons of both. I grew to feel that my husband appreciated me and my input. He was able to see that I support him and have faith in his abilities. While the decision itself might not have changed our marital satisfaction, the process of making the decision together definitely brought us closer.

Loyal to a T

I've always loved this quote. The best possible way to show someone that we love them is to be loyal - no matter what. However, I feel that many people don't fully understand what it means to be loyal - especially when it comes to your spouse. There are so many different opportunities to be unfaithful and not even realize it. Satan makes it easier and easier to justify. If we are to be and remain faithful, we must understand the temptations and dangers that are all around us.

So, how do we know if something we are doing and/or faced with can lead to a lack of loyalty to our spouse? President Ezra Taft Benson gave this suggestion: "A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this?" [2] We can ask ourselves this question on a daily basis in many different circumstances. Maybe it's about how we talk to a co-worker of the opposite sex. Maybe it's what we are viewing/sharing on the internet. Maybe it's just a thought or fantasy about someone other than our significant other. Whatever it may be, as we apply this question to the situation, we will be more accurately guided to know whether we are being faithful or not. 

Dr. Brent Barlow is quoted as saying, "Implied are at least three elements that characterize successful stewardship: (1) agency, (2) diligence, and (3) accountability. We may accept or reject the opportunity to become a steward, but once we accept the responsibility, we are expected to exert great effort, as indicated in the parable of the talents. We are expected to improve or enhance what we have been given. Ultimately there will be an accounting of one kind of another of our various stewardships." [3] If we view our relationship with our spouse as a stewardship, we will feel more inclined to do all we can to actively remain faithful and loyal to them.

Resources ~

[1] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/the-first-great-commandment?lang=eng

[2] “The Law of Chastity,” BYU1987-88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches [1988], p. 52.

[3]What Husbands Expect of Wives, 1989, p. 60

Charity

I’ve mentioned several times before the book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. Throughout his book he discusses different principles that bring a spiritual strength to marriages. Some of these are obedience, sacrifice, repentance, humility, and faith. The last principle he shares ties all of these together for me: charity.

Those with a spiritual background will know that charity is considered the pure love of Christ. However, you don’t have to necessarily believe in Christ to have charity. The idea of Christ’s love is that it is unconditional. It’s not dependent of certain actions or reactions. It can’t be bought, earned, or lost. Dr. Goddard quotes Marvin J. Ashton when he defines charity. “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” All these aspects of charity are vital to having a happy and successful marriage. There will definitely be times when we must choose to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. We will need to look over and accept our spouse’s weaknesses. When we allow our love for our spouse to outweigh the bumps and bruises in our relationships, we bring an added strength to our marriage that can’t be found anywhere else.

I’ve been able to feel of this love more completely this past week. My husband and I have welcomed into our family and home our first child. 

It’s incredible how completely he trusts us and how dependent on us he is for everything. He has many shortcomings – he spits up, loves to be awake at night, etc – but I don’t think I could love him more if I tried. The love I have for my son is not diminished by each messy diaper. I love him and will always love him no matter what. That is the kind of love that we should have for everyone – especially our best friend that we have promised to love, come what may.  

Resources ~

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fiarfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Anger

Ever since I was little, I've been taught the importance of making good choices and how I will be affected by the decisions I make. I've learned that everyone has the ability to make their own choices and that this is a very important part of life. While this idea of agency (freedom of choice) is emphasized a lot, it is not often applied to one of the more common barriers to happiness - anger. 

Lynn G. Robbins gave a great address entitled "Agency and Anger" in 1998. Within it he claims that each of us have the ability to choose whether to be angry or not. Oftentimes we hear (and may say ourselves), "They made me mad" or "I lost my temper". These phrases show that we are not taking responsibility for our own choice to allow anger to damage our thoughts, words, or actions. When we understand that we have the ability to choose whether to be angry or not, we will be more in control of our own emotions.

Ok, so what does this have to do with marriage and the family? Lynn G. Robbins said, "Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but it almost always counterproductive." Does this sound like a happy and healthy family relationship to you? I certainly don't want to be part of a marriage that seeks to make the other feel guilty or to manipulate one another. This is no way to let the other person know of our love and admiration for them. We aren't being productive when we allow anger to influence us.

As we apply the principle of agency to all aspects of our lives - including anger - we will be more in control of our marriages and relationships. We will be able to lead ourselves and those we love towards happiness instead of being tossed to and fro with the storms of life.

Resources~

Elder L.G. Robbins, "Agency and anger," Ensign, May 1998, 80.

Pride

This past week I've read some amazing advice that I would recommend everyone reads! The last several weeks I've mentioned Dr. Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" [1]. This week I had the opportunity to read about the fourth principle, "Let Your Partner Influence You." While he gave some great and practical advice on how best to do this (I would advise you check it out!), I wanted to take the more spiritual approach that was shared by Dr. Goddard ("Drawing Heaven into your Marriage") [2] and Ezra Taft Benson ("Beware of Pride") [3].

I have found that it is nearly impossible to let someone have any kind of influence o you when you are not being humble. When I'm prideful, I'm like a brick wall. You can huff and puff all the day long, but my faults are going to remain unchanged behind my fortress. 

Pride can be defined in many different ways. President Benson gives some examples of these definitions, "self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance...haughtiness...competitive in nature...self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking." In other words, pride is focusing on the self. When we put our needs, wants, desires, feelings, thoughts, and dreams above others, we are acting out of pride. This is no way to build a happy and successful marriage - or any relationship for that matter.
  

So, how do we fix this? Dr. Goddard focuses his remarks on the need for repentance. While you may not be particularly spiritual yourself, the idea of repentance applies to everyone. Dr. Goddard shares a definition of repentance, part of which comes from the LDS Bible Dictionary, "Repentance 'denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, about the world'... The heart of repentance is giving up our self-sufficiency, our sense that we can set our own lives right." Another definition of repentance is, "a process of enhancing internal awareness and interpersonal accountability." [4] (p 203) Repentance is the idea that we need to change in order to become better. When we realize that we have work to do, we eliminate pride from that aspect of our life. Our brick wall gradually becomes softer and softer until it's merely a house of cards that tumbles over in one gentle blow.

We cannot be influenced by our spouse until we get rid of the brick wall that protects our faults. As we repent, or change, and focus on others more than ourselves, we will be able to not only be influenced by our spouse, but we will be a good influence on them as well.  

Resources ~
1. Gottman, J. M. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
2. Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing
3. President Ezra T. Benson, "Beware of Pride", Ensign, May 1989, 4-7
4. Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Where to Turn

In most circumstances of our lives we are given resources. At work we may be given an employee handbook and/or receive some sort of training to prepare us for our duties. At school we are given resources such as textbooks, tutors, libraries, professors, and fellow classmates. When tax season comes there are many agents, programs, books, and other materials we can consult to help us file things properly. In our marriages, we are also given resources that will help lead us to success. The greatest resource we are given is our own spouse.

Turning to our spouse creates a greater sense of unity. There are so many things in this world that make it easy to turn away from instead of towards each other. There are work schedules, household responsibilities, children, recreational activities, church duties, hobbies, service obligations, sports, media, individual desires, and so much more. While none of these things are necessarily bad - in fact, many of them are good - they can oftentimes pull one's attention away from their spouse.

Dr. Gottman, in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", shares that we turn to our spouse when we pick up on their "bids". A bid is a call for attention or connection. Most of the time these bids are small and simple. He gives an example of his wife saying that she hates folding laundry. He saw this as a bid and turned on some music to listen to while he folded the laundry for her. Another example of a bid comes from my own life. Since I am currently 8 1/2 months pregnant, my stomach sticks out a bit more than it used to. This makes bending over very difficult and sometimes very uncomfortable and painful. When it's time to put my shoes on I dread being bent over for that length of time. I give a little grunt each time in preparation for the task at hand. My husband often sees this as a bid and frequently will rush over, get on his knees, and put my shoes on for me. Even though it's a simple thing, he turns towards me slightly and we are connected on a deeper level. All he did was tie my shoe, but the message he sent to me was one of love, sacrifice, selflessness, and caring. 

You can turn towards each other everyday. You can be sure to give your wife a kiss as you walk through the door. You can hang your husband's coat up if you see it on the couch. You can make the bed for the other person. You can do the dishes even if it's their turn. You can give them even just five uninterrupted minutes to listen to whatever they want to say. Or, it could even be as simple as a smile.

The great thing about turning towards your spouse is that it consists of simple and personal acts every day. So get creative! We can turn towards each other when we put the other person first. "All of our relationships with others [people, things, activities, ourselves, etc] will be considered secondary when our spouse is foremost in our lives." ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 64)

Just as waiting to turn towards a textbook until the day of a final would be pointless and probably not very helpful, if we wait for difficulties in life to turn to our spouse, we may be surprised to find that it is not as helpful as we had hoped, or that they are no longer there to turn to. As we take the time to turn towards our spouse everyday in those small and simple things, we will have that connection in place for when those rough times do come.

Resources~

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Map Anyone?

Have you ever been lost somewhere you’ve never been? Maybe you’re driving to a new vacation spot, or taking a hike on an unfamiliar trail. Maybe you got turned around on a busy city street. Maybe you’re in a giant mall and can’t find the right store. Or maybe you’re trying to find your way across a giant theme park. How did it feel to know that you couldn’t find your way? Speaking from personal experience, I have felt very panicked and hopeless. There was a tinge of fear that I would be lost forever and never make my way to my destination or back “home”. Luckily, we’ve been provided with different types of maps that we can follow in each of these situations. Some are very descriptive, while others may just be a street sign here or there. However, if we follow these maps we will be led to safety and that hopeless feeling will soon leave us.

Sometimes in relationships and especially in marriage we can feel lost, so-to-speak. We may be caught up in the middle on conflict and not see the end in sight. Much like when we are physically lost, we can find peace and happiness in our marriages but it may take some direction. Dr. John M. Gottman teaches about “love maps” in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. In summary, a “love map” is the extent to which you know someone – in this case, your spouse. 

This map can consist of things like knowing the answers to the following questions: “What do I fear the most?” “What personal improvements do I want to make in my life?” “What foods do I hate?” or “What is the one thing [I] would most like to change about [my] personality?” In essence, if you have a strong love map of someone, you know who they are – inside and out. You remember little details like how they like their eggs or what their favorite perfume is. You also remember significant things like what their greatest challenges, fears, and dreams are.

My husband and I have done a similar thing to this. Each week we try to hold our weekly "Family Home Evening" - a time when we set aside all other tasks and focus on the family and growing together. However, with only two of us it can get a bit difficult to know what to talk about or how to spend that time. We have created a "Family Home Evening" jar. In the jar are many questions. They ask different types of things, but they all help us strengthen our "love maps". As we've been able to share this time to increase our understanding of each other in some way each week, we have been able to remain close even when times get busy and stressful. 

When we are able to focus on who our spouse is, we are better able to show them the love and respect they deserve. We travel further down the path of selflessness – an attribute that is essential to marital happiness. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard said, “In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood. We make a covenantal step toward unselfishness.” As we keep this bargain, we are better able to strengthen our marriages and enjoy the journey.

Love takes effort and work - thus the importance of love maps. In "Successful Marriages and Families", Elder Marvin J. Ashton is quoted as saying, "True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time... How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them." (p 20) We must show our spouse that we love them and want to continue loving them by constantly growing in love towards each other.  

Resources - 

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Natural Man

Just last night, my husband and I were reading together in the Book of Mormon – a sacred record that we consider scripture – in Mosiah chapter 3. Something stood out to me while we were reading that goes along perfectly with what I’ve been learning this week in both my Marriage and my Marriage Skills classes.  We are told that “the natural man is an enemy to God…unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and putteth off the natural man.” I don’t know about you, but being an enemy to God is not on my bucket list. However, men (and women) by nature have traits and tendencies that prevent us from being close to our Heavenly Father. We are encouraged to put off the natural man. But what does this really mean?

In the book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage”, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard mentions some natural tendencies that he – and most of us – learned while a child. Some of these include making fun of/minimizing others, putting your own needs first, defending yourself, and seeing the other person as guilty. When we look at each of these items individually, we can see the dangers it can bring into a marriage in the long run, yet so many of us choose to let these attributes play a big role in our relationships, when they really have no right to be there. For example, let’s look at the last – seeing the other person as guilty. This is similar to what Dr. John M. Gottman refers to as negative sentiment override in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. When we already think that our spouse is guilty or purposefully trying to hurt us, we will be able to find the bad in any situation. This makes it nearly impossible for our spouse to gain any points in our book, or to be seen as anything but malicious and offensive. Can you see where this would be a problem in a marriage? Say that I just spent all evening preparing dinner for my husband and me. Once we’re done eating, my husband leaves the room, leaving me with all the dinner mess. If I have this negative sentiment override, I feel betrayed and unappreciated as I’m stuck cleaning up after him after I already slaved away to feed him. In my mind he is undeserving of my affection in that moment. This is a “natural man” reaction.

Now think of that same scenario if I “put off the natural man”. What my negative attitude prevents me from seeing is that he left the room to scrub the bathroom because it’s supposed to be my turn but he doesn’t want to have me worry about it after all the hard work I went through to make him dinner. He does this quickly so that he can finish his homework because he knows how much spending quality time together means to me and he wants to be able to give me as much time as possible tonight. He was going out of his way to do something with my needs in mind, but because I automatically see him as guilty, he simply cannot win. After a while, my husband will get tired of trying to do things for me if I never see and appreciate the positive. When I’m able to get rid of those natural tendencies, my husband becomes a much better person in my eyes and we are able to work together towards happiness.  

While there are many ways and meaning of “putting off the natural man” in the world today, I think it is vitally important that we apply this counsel to our marriages. Those natural, negative reactions and thoughts will never bring us close as husband and wife. If we seek to obtain greater – less natural – attributes, we will be able to strengthen our friendship with our spouse. We can be loving, humble, gentle, and patient. Granted, we will have to give up some of our "favorite" sins or vices, but it is worth the sacrifice. "Marriage fully merits the sacrifices required for lifelong commitment and, as a whole, rewards those who accept its boundaries." ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 71) We can learn to be the person our spouse deserves to spend the rest of their life with.

Resources (I would highly recommend both of these great books!!)~

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage:Powerful principles with eternal results. Fiarfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books. 

 Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life. 

Contract vs Covenant

I've spoken in previous blog posts about the nature of marriage. I've mentioned that "marriage is more than just a contractual agreement", and that I believe that "marriage is a covenant - or reciprocal promise". I would like to address in a bit more detail the difference between a contract and a covenant. 

In the book "Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives", we are given an explanation of the importance of covenants. "We are blessed on this earth through righteous participation and commitment to covenants between a loving God and His mortal children. These covenants, by their nature, are intended to bring the sweetest blessings God has to offer to those who exercise faith in the gospel plan and prove themselves worthy through obedience." (p 174)

To further define what a covenant is, "Successful Marriages and Families" quotes President James E. Faust when he said, "In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant." (p 80)

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a former Seventy (office in the organization of the Latter-day Saint church), gave an address in 1996 entitled "Covenant Marriage". Within this talk, he implies that even a couple that has made covenants with God when they were married could only be living a "contract marriage".

From what I understand them both to be, a covenant marriage is one in which the husband and wife have an eternal perspective and a forever goal in mind. They focus on what they Lord would have them do instead of on what their spouse should be doing for them. People who live a covenant marriage understand that marriage is important in God's plan for His children. They realize that they must work towards Christ to become closer together. This is explained in more detail by Elder David A. Bednar when he compares marriage to a triangle ("Successful Marriages and Families" p 28). He says, “Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily ‘come unto Christ’ and strive to be ‘perfected in Him’. Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.” This is part of what Elder Bednar refers to as “the covenant relationship of eternal marriage.”

Now, you may not be religious or maybe just don’t view Christ as someone that you need to draw close to in order to gain happiness and marital bliss. Jesus is more than just some person. Jesus represents things such as selfless love, sacrifice, service, gratitude, overcoming weaknesses, looking outside of oneself, and self-control. As any couple works towards any of these attributes, they will be able to draw closer together. In a way, they can have a “covenant marriage”. As they work towards a common goal that will have lasting consequences for good in the lives of all those involved, they begin to change their marriage from more than just a contract or agreement, and it becomes something of eternal value and importance.

I know I haven’t been married very long (just over a year), but within that short time, I’ve seen the affect that priorities can have on a relationship. There have been times when I have “settled” for a “contract marriage”. I’ve had the perspective that for every effort I make there needs to be an equal effort made by my husband. If I sacrifice something for him, he needs to sacrifice something for me. I would constantly “keep score” – so to speak – to make sure I wasn’t putting forth more effort than what I needed. When I had that perspective, I wasn’t always happy. I was constantly thinking of myself and what I deserved. Once I lost that sense of entitlement and chose to look for ways that I could make my husband happy just because I loved him, I noticed even more how happy he makes me.

Resources~

Bruce C. Hafen’s “Covenant Marriage”

https://app.box.com/embed/preview/09y4qxqfppbe8oz5uuje39utsdv566rt?theme=dark

David A. Bednar’s “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”

https://app.box.com/embed/preview/onfgn50ke692o6eq0bqf4ozgptl7zsjm?theme=dark
Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

What is Marriage?

This past week I’ve learned so much about the definition of marriage. Obviously, within our world today, the “idea” of marriage is being re-defined by governments, political groups, and individuals. However, no amount of earthly rearranging of the dictionary will change eternal truths. In the article “The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman” Lynn D. Wardle tells of a story attributed to Abraham Lincoln. “He is said to have once asked how many legs a dog would have if you counted a tail as a leg. To the response ‘five legs,’ Lincoln said, ‘No; calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.’” So then that poses the question – what is marriage?

To me, marriage is much more than just a contractual agreement or an emotional support. Marriage is not merely a piece of paper or extra benefits on your taxes. Marriage is much more than just a way of life or a status of living. Marriage is a covenant – or reciprocal promise – made between two people and their Creator. It is a commitment to forget oneself, to show true Christ-like love – or charity – to another every day. It is a heightened awareness of our responsibility to watch out for and help one another. It is the best possible way we can be prepared to become one with all of God’s children. It is the beginning of a family; the partnership that the Lord has established for His eternal purpose and plan to allow His children to experience earth life and to learn of His Gospel. "The fundamental purposes of this life remain the same as they have always been - to receive a body, to believe in Christ, to progress spiritually, and to form an eternal marriage and family." (Hawkins, et al p 13) "Successful Marriages and Families" goes on to say, "Birth into a family was the way God chose to send His spirit children to earth. Marriage and family relationships are the central means He has prepared to achieve His purposes." (p 340) This can only be done through the union of a man and a woman as husband and wife. No other combination – as great as the two may be – can provide life for God’s children.  

I understand that not everyone has the same religious view of marriage as I do. If testimony and faith just don’t cut it for you, there is plenty of earthy evidence to show that the most ideal setting for the development of children is within a traditional family with a father and mother married as husband and wife. David Popenoe is quoted in “The Divine Institution of Marriage” as saying, “The burden of social science evidence supports the idea that gender differentiated parenting is important for human development and that the contribution of fathers to child rearing is unique and irreplaceable… The complementarity of male and female parenting styles is striking and of enormous importance to a child’s overall development.” There is no denying it – men and women are different. These differences complement each other as they are used to aid in the development of children.

There is a great need in our world today to align our definition of marriage to what the Lord has always defined marriage as. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” states, “Marriage between man and woman is ordained of God.” No amount of social propaganda or political campaigning can change that.

Resources

“The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman”

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1211382

“The Divine Institution of Marriage”

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage#_edn7

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World”

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng#

Hawkins, et al (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life.

Learn, Do, Teach, and Become

This week I have had the great privilege of reading many different articles and excerpts regarding marriage and divorce – both materials required for my Marriage class and materials from other sources. It has become more obvious to me that there is a great need in our society and in the world today to re-establish the sacredness and importance of marriage and marital relationships. However, as I’ve discovered through my readings, this can be difficult to do when there are so many trends and viewpoints that draw people away from entering the marriage covenant. As I contemplated this, I got to thinking about how I will try to prevent these trends from influencing my own children, and I’d like to share some of those thoughts, plans, and goals with you.

This is my cute family. Aren't they great?! In my own life, my parents provided what I would consider a very ideal example of a happy marriage. Growing up, I knew they didn’t always agree on everything, but I never heard them raise their voices to each other. They greatly respected one another and expected us to do the same. I remember getting into trouble for little acts here and there, but the most trouble I ever got in was the one time I said something disrespectful to my mother while my dad was around. I quickly learned that respect was what everyone deserved - especially my loving parents. While my personal actions won’t necessarily change society, I believe that they can have a strong impact on my children’s lives. I plan to do all within my power to – as my parents did for me – show my children a happy, healthy marriage. I want my children to know that marriage isn’t always easy and it doesn’t mean that there will never be any conflict. But I also want them to know and be able to see that marriage does bring great happiness and is worth all the work and conflict. By constantly working to strengthen my own marriage, I hope to decrease the likelihood of my child having unstable parenting, unnecessary stress, or feeling like they have to pick sides. Paul Amato mentions these and others as possible hardships in single-parent homes in an article entitled "The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation" (If you're interested, I'd be happy to send you a copy of this article).

I also want my children to have a healthy understanding of divorce. There have been a few members of my extended family that have gone through divorce. I also have several friends that ended their marriages. Because of their experiences, I have been able to see when some marriages needed to end as well as other opportunities to “save” the marriage. I understand that every couple struggles and I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s experience by saying this, but I have been able to see points of decision where a couple could have “easily” turned their relationship around. If people in my children’s lives go through divorce, I would like to take the time with them to help them see what led to that decision and what could have been changed in either spouse’s actions or thoughts that could have prevented separation. I want them to be able to see for themselves the pros and cons of divorce and to understand at what point divorce is justified and when a marriage is worth fighting for. I hope to instill in them the ability to fight for the life of a marriage by helping them put those skills to use in all their relationships throughout life – especially those with their parents and siblings. At this point, having only been married for a year myself, I'll be honest and say that I don't know all the skills needed to make a great relationship last, but I plan to continue learning. My courses in Marriage and Family should give me plenty of knowledge, and my own marriage should give me plenty of experience, so I can learn as I go and teach as I learn. 

I understand that the best way to teach children to truly become something is to be that thing yourself. Throughout my life I hope to gain the attributes and qualities necessary to adequately prepare my children for happy marriages, and happy lives in general.